A GOOD CONVERSATION
In a good conversation, the listener is fully present, listening to the speaker, and not thinking of other things or what they are going to say. If the speaker is expressing feelings, the listener is imagining being the speaker and doing their best to understand the feelings expressed. The response might include validation, empathy, curiosity, clarification, and depending on the content, compassion, pride, encouragement, or an apology.
In a good conversation, the participants take turns being the speaker and listener, sharing the floor, and not interrupting each other. It is best for the speaker to avoid excessive unnecessary details, and avoid repeating themselves.
In a good conversation, the participants express curiosity about each other rather than an individual monopolizing the conversation by talking excessively. A good conversation is not a monologue of one person listening to the other go on and on.
In a good conversation, the participants share about themselves, and express curiosity about each other.
If things get heated, it is best to take a time out, and only resume the topic after each party has cooled off and has reflected on how they are going to help it go well when they go back to the topic.
It Doesn’t Matter. You Matter
When you think of all the little things you judge yourself for or worry about, and how much they actually matter compared to how important you and your well-being are, there is absolutely no comparison! Most little judgements and worries of the day are forgotten by the next day, and replaced with new ones. Certainly most things that you get fussed about are long forgotten a year later if not much sooner. So how important really are they? Not important. In contrast, you are extremely important, and your well-being is extremely important. Self judgement, worry, and stress over minor decisions create discomfort, and don’t achieve anything constructive.
So try to be aware of when you are judging yourself, worrying, or stressing over a minor decision, and say to yourself “ It doesn’t matter. I matter” about the topic, or “ It’s not important, I am important” to remind yourself that the topic is not worth getting upset about, thus valuing yourself and your well-being. Instead, give yourself the compassion that you deserve and trust that things will be OK and you will be able to handle what happens. Or better yet, just dismiss the “garbage thought”, and don’t replace it with any other thought about an unimportant topic. We have way more thoughts than we actually need!
FAITH LIKE A CHILD’S
There is a verse in the Bible about how one must enter the kingdom of God like a child, but it does not go on to explain what is meant by that.
An image that came to me in a meditation recently was that of a toddler in distress, crying, and holding his arms up to be picked up and soothed. He does not wonder if help is available. He knows that it is. He lets his distress be known and he expects help without any question or doubt. He does not question whether he is worthy to receive help. That question does not even enter his mind. And he has no problem freely receiving the help. He allows himself to be picked up and comforted with the love and soothing from his parent.
Likewise, the mother immediately and naturally out of love and desire, goes to pick up her crying toddler and comforts him. She has a lot of love and comforting to give, and is always available and happy to help anytime, which she does instinctually and naturally every time. She is capable of meeting the child’s needs, whether it’s for comforting, food, drink, sunscreen, Tylenol, play, teaching, guidance, encouragement, compassion, pride, nurturing, etc. This maternal instinct is seen in the animal world as well.
The mother is like the Divine, always available, full of love, and so capable of helping us in whatever way we are needing help at the time. We need to be like the toddler, trusting that help is available, expecting it, asking for it, trusting that we are worthy of it, and readily receiving it with faith and gratitude.
As grown-up humans, we often don’t have that kind of faith, but it is something that we can ask for. Like the toddler asks his mom for anything and everything, we too can ask the Divine for anything. And we need to remember that the Divine is very powerful. We are the ones that are often limited in what we believe is possible.
This is a simple yet powerful experience that is a great healing habit to foster. It is a healing interaction between the best part of you, which is like a perfect parent, and the wounded child consciousness in you. You alternate between what you are feeling and saying, and the effect on the child.