When you were little, upset, and alone, you may have felt that you had no choice but to stay upset.
The good news is that you now know things to help yourself that you didn’t used to know then, so you don’t have to stay upset if you don’t want to.
Because staying upset isn’t much fun, and can be harmful to relationships and productivity, how can you help yourself?
1. Put the upsetting topic/topics aside temporarily to allow yourself to settle and become calm. Even if it may feel urgent, it is not urgent unless you are in immediate physical danger. You can tell it that because it is important, you want to address it from a rational place. Letting it go into a storage container (see article on Container) is a good option. You may also invite yourself into the present by focusing on something you are sensing, such as seeing or hearing or your breath without any negative thoughts (see Be Here Now article). Another helpful option is focusing on enjoying re-experiencing a pleasant memory
2. Continue with the above until you feel completely relaxed.
3. Start to WONDER what it is that you know to be true about the situation. If there were more than one thing bothering you, pick one to deal with at a time. You are much more likely to be able to feel what is true when you are relaxed than when you are upset. From a relaxed state, it will be easier for you to not take things personally, and realize that whatever happened wasn’t about you. It is useful to wonder about what was your unmet need when you were upset. Wondering leads to reassuring truths which may then lead to any wise action that you may decide to take. This may include creative solutions to a problem or a skilful way of communicating. (You may want to read the article: The Wonder of Wondering)
Depending on the circumstances and the intensity of the upset, it may be wise to wonder about the topic later, for example after work, or after eating etc. If the topic feels too big for you to process on your own, let it stay in the container until you can process it with someone else.
Often, when people are upset, they find themselves engaged in an “escape activity” in an effort, often unconscious, to feel better. There are many such escape activities, such as emotional eating, smoking, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, watching TV, video games, and wasting time online or with electronics. If you deal with your upset, which includes boredom, as above, there will be nothing to escape, so you don’t need to engage in the escape activity. Now you have choice, rather than needing the escape because of the upset.
Learning to deal with upset in this simple and effective way will be one of the best habits that you have ever formed. Good luck!
Everyone has an inner judge, or critic. It can lead to a lot of suffering. Sometimes it is downright mean, for example telling you that you’re stupid, fat, or ugly, when it’s not true. But at other times it can be sneaky and subtle, so you don’t even know it is there.
Getting to know your enemy and how it operates is useful in battling it. And the judge is definitely your enemy. It wants you to trust it, so it can be confident, loud, and seeming to be trustworthy. Actually, whenever there is a message such as you not being good enough, worthy, OK, acceptable, capable, and so on, you know that the judge is there, and is never trustworthy. So one useful strategy in protecting yourself from its toxicity is to not think of it as you, but rather as it, he, or she. Inherent in this strategy is a knowing that this externalized being is never to be trusted.
It can also be useful to form an image to represent this sly, evil being. When you detect it, you can combat it by getting in touch with your inner sense of truth, love, understanding, compassion and recognition. If you like, you can use an image of a protective, loving being to banish the judge and let you experience the unconditional love and acceptance that you need. Or you can imagine being with somone who loves and accepts you. Here, some soothing self-touch, for example over your heart, can help.
But what can you do when the judge makes its presence hard to detect? One way it is hard to detect is by doing the judging wordlessly. It just makes you feel lousy. When you explore how you feel, you realize that you’re feeling inferior, unacceptable, unworthy, etc. This is often not easily apparent even with initial exploration, but if you remain curious, you can often find it. Sometimes exploring one’s experience can leave one surprised at how mean the judge can be. The judge can make us feel and do lots of negative things, including being anxious, lacking in confidence, feeling tired, sleepy, hopeless, trying too hard, going blank, and making mistakes. In fact, if there is any unpleasant feeling or impulse to behave in a negative way, it’s a good idea to look for the judge and see if it’s there. Once it’s detected, you can take away its power to do damage without detection or questioning. Once you know that it is there, you can apply the above strategy of having it banished and replaced with the truth.
It is the judge who is responsible for expecting and fearing judgement by others. And it is the judge that can make us self-conscious, imagining that people are noticing us and thinking badly of us. This misperceiving that everyone will notice the little stain on our clothes is so common that it’s been named the “spotlight effect”. People tend to perceive that there is a spotlight on them, which thankfully is not true. Of course, the truth is that nobody is paying so much attention to you. That judge is pretty clever at distorting things!
Another strategy that the judge can use is to turn things into tests, with an expectation or fear of failing. The judge is the one responsible for fears and expectations of rejection, failure, and things going wrong, because it has no faith in us.
It is a useful strategy to externalize an illness. For example, seeing yourself as separate from depression is very helpful, and is grounded in a great truth. Part of externalizing can be hating the symptoms, which is quite understandable. Even though this all seems fine, that devious judge can wordlessly come along and make you feel bad about yourself when you’re experiencing a symptom. An antidote to this is to feel accepting of yourself experiencing the symptom. Compassion for yourself, distinct from self-pity, is helpful. Self-pity is isolating, with one feeling unlucky compared to others. Compassion is just sadness out of love about the suffering, without feeling sorry for yourself. In fact, the judge can do a good job of judging you for what you are feeling in general, for example for feeling angry, nervous, or tired. This is just another example of how it can slyly come anywhere where you don’t expect it and wordlessly hurt you without you realizing it.
Another way that the judge can deviously rob us of well-being is by creating a feeling of discontentment with our lives, our circumstances, with the present moment. It can give us a feeling that something is wrong, or lacking, when that is not true. The subtle implication is that it is somehow related to who we are. Once we banish the judgement, we are able to enjoy the wonderful feelings of contentment, acceptance, and gratitude that it was robbing us of.
The judge is part of that insecure part of us, which is sometimes referred to as the ego. It can be relentless, and can use anything to judge you, even if it is positive. It twists things, taking something lovely like compassion and calling it self-pity, or taking self-appreciation and calling it puffing yourself up. By nature, it is never content. Even if you were to win the Nobel Prize, the judge would say something like “You don’t deserve it” or “What took you so long?”
A subtle way that the judge can affect us is by having an evaluative running commentary that we can be so used to that we don’t even realize it’s there or what it would be like to be free of it. It’s not a good feeling to be constantly evaluated, even if some of the evaluation is positive. An antidote to this very common phenomenon is to practice living mindfully. That is, just noticing whatever there is to notice in the moment simply with curiosity, without any judgement. Notice that inherent in the definition of mindfulness is an absence of judgement, because the judgement is so prevalent.
Because everyone has a toxic judge, one helpful practice is to repeatedly spend ten seconds or more at a time experiencing unconditional love and acceptance, as described above, especially of those things about yourself that you dislike or have trouble accepting. Imagining being with someone with whom you feel loved and accepted is a great strategy. Another helpful practice is to invite feelings of contentment and gratitude. It is also very useful to spend time enjoying the experience of self-appreciation. Contrary to what the judge might tell you, this is healthy and won’t make you conceited. Bring to mind positive qualities that are worthy of appreciation, and don’t take things for granted. Minimizing the value of good qualities is something that the judge is expert at. Think of times that you have helped others, and of accomplishments that you can celebrate. Also useful is the experience of acceptance: of your feelings, of things as they are, even if in the next moment you are taking action to change it. Practicing mindfulness is also an antidote to judgement, as well as being useful to make you aware of that devious judgement that likes to sneak in unbeknownst to you.
The more aware you become of the judge in your life, and get in the habits of mistrusting it and experiencing the positive antidotes, the easier, more enjoyable, and more fulfilling your life will become.
The more relaxed our bodies are, the easier it is for us to trust the truth, feeling it in our bodies, rather than only knowing it in our heads. This article will guide you in creating such a place for yourself. It is very pleasant place to go to, and can be used at any time to help you feel the truth about anything. From here, you can look at something that was upsetting you, and be able to see it from a different perspective so that it no longer causes body tension (for example no longer taking a situation personally).
Start by thinking of particularly great memory or a lovely place, allowing an image of it to come up. Immerse yourself in the experience with all five of your senses, noticing and appreciating the details. Pay attention to how your body feels here, and to the pleasant emotions associated with the experience. Just hang out here for a while savoring the pleasure of the experience, and you will notice that without any effort at all it will become more and more pleasant and your body will become more and more relaxed all by itself. The more that you explore different aspects of the experience, the more you will find. For example, if you are appreciating some beautiful nature, you may notice that there is a sense of wonder or awe. You may notice that there is gratitude, or that you may feel lucky or blessed. These may lead you to notice that you feel loved, though you may not have any such thoughts. If so, then you must be feeling loveable. Perhaps you feel yourself connected to the scene or people in it, and one with it. As you discover each aspect, spend some time really enjoying feeling it fully, and “savoring the pleasure”. Keep expanding the experience in this way, and you will discover that it will continue to become more and more pleasant on its own.
Now you can pick any simple truth, such as “I love the sunshine”, and as you scan your body, notice where you can feel the ‘knowing', or the truth of the statement the strongest. It is a feeling that makes you want to nod your head. For many people it is in the chest, though for others it is in the abdomen or elsewhere. Place the palm of your hand on this spot, and let yourself study how your body feels there under your hand. Amongst some of the sensations that you may notice are: relaxation, openness in the chest, spaciousness, roominess, looseness, comfort, warmth, quietness, calmness, peace, solidness, strength, easy slow deep breathing, etc. Again, focus on these pleasant sensations, enjoying them and savoring the pleasure of just hanging out here, together with your image and your truth. As you do this, you will notice that the truth you are focusing on will feel more and more true the longer you stay here.
If you wish, you can allow an additional image to come up that goes along with the body sensations. There is no right or wrong way of doing this. Whatever wants to happen is fine, as long as it stays positive. If something negative comes up, just put it aside temporarily and focus back on the positive aspects of your experience.
OPTIONAL
As you may have already gathered, this experience is often perceived as a spiritual one once it is expanded as above. Regardless of your spiritual or religious beliefs, or lack thereof, you may wish to experience being with an awesome being with divine qualities. This could be anything: a representation of God, an angel, a white light, your Higher Self, a deer, or just the nature itself. Let yourself feel how intensely loving and accepting of you this being is-just the way you are. Feel how there is so much understanding, compassion, tenderness, kindness, and infinite patience for you. Let yourself be reassured that there will never be any judgement of you or anger at you. This being cannot be offended, and needs nothing from you. Feel your goodness known and honored. You are completely believed in. This being is a source of encouragement, reassurance, strength, comfort, and guidance. Know that this healing energy can always help you feel better, has no expectations, and is ALWAYS available, delighting in helping you.
IF YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE ALWAYS GETTING THERE
If you are having trouble consistently getting to your special place, it is likely that:
-You are putting in effort trying to get there. Effort gets in the way of going there. “Trying to relax” just doesn’t work, because trying is not relaxing! In trying is usually a fear of failing, or at least a possibility being entertained at some level that you won’t get there. Also there can be a question of your capability, or whether you’re doing something wrong. All of these are obstacles.
The beauty of this place is that it is always there waiting to welcome you home where you belong, and it requires NO EFFORT AT ALL to get there. Imagine that ALLOWING the image and what goes along with it and putting your hand on your spot is equivalent to stepping on to a moving sidewalk that always takes you to your special place without any help from you. Your special place is where that moving sidewalk ends, so there are no other possibilities, leaving you trusting that it will take you there every time without any help from you.
-You might not be allowing enough time for your body to relax further. If you are starting from a very tense place, your sidewalk may be a bit longer that time, and you need to allow more time for all the tension to release, still trusting that your moving sidewalk will take you there. You are worth that bit of extra time.
However, don’t expect it to take more time because of the state that you’re starting from, because the expectation can be self-fulfilling, and one can have a very rapid and dramatic shift. If you find it taking a bit longer, then give it the time. You can have your special place speed up the moving sidewalk for you, because it wants to welcome you home.
-If you are very upset about something, or having a strong thought or feeling about, for example, not deserving to go there, you may need to get rid of this strong upset first. You can “put it into storage” in your container to be dealt with later, and go ahead to enjoy your special place. Please see “A TOOL TO BECOME ALMOST INSTANTLY PRESENT & RELAXED”
It is very good for you to often return to your grounding place to focus on various positive truths. I like to think of it as coming home, where we belong. You will notice that it feels “right” even though it may be unfamiliar.
Because “neurons that fire together wire together”, the more time you spend in this place, the more quickly you will be transforming your system into one that is calmer, wiser, happier, and less easily upset. This will result in less suffering for you, and for those around you. You will find that it will improve all aspects of your life. Because the negativity and old wiring is generally deeply ingrained, it takes coming here again and again and staying here to create the kind of rewiring we desire. There is no such thing as coming here too often, or staying here too long. You can stay in this calm state as you move on to your next activity.
I encourage you to aim at being in this state as much of the time as possible, in order to minimize your distress and that of those around you. This will require frequent checking in to see if you are already there. If so, you can just celebrate and enjoy it. If not, you can invite yourself there.
You may want to use some kind of reminder that perhaps your eye would frequently catch many times a day such as something on your wrist, finger, or cellphone, to cue you into checking in on your state. You will find that the more often you go there and stay there, the more readily your system will go down that familiar path and stay there.
It is free, quick, powerful, pleasant, an investment in your future well-being, and available to you anytime wherever you are. That's a pretty good deal! And you are worth it! Enjoy!
This is a very quick and simple method to get out of your head and into your body, enjoying calmness in the present moment of the here and now.
Simply choose something in your environment that you can sense with one of your senses. For example, it can be something that you can see, hear, feel, smell or taste. You may want to spend a little bit of time exploring it. For example, if you are looking at a flower, you may study its colors, shape, texture, and so on. As you focus all of your attention on sensing it, just pay attention to what you can notice in your body.
You will notice evidence of relaxation/calming/groundedness. This is because sensing something brings us into the here and now of the present moment. The sensing occurs in the here and now. It actually causes a physiological shift. It diminishes the sense that something is wrong, and helps us more accurately discern what degree of danger there is. It thus acts as an antidote to trauma.
So why not be a friend to yourself and your body, and get in the habit of using this very simple method of eliciting a relaxation response? And when you are upset, why stay upset and perhaps act in ways that you may later regret, when you can just focus on anything pleasant or neutral in your environment to reduce your activation and become more grounded?
Good luck in making this very simple method a healthy habit in your life!
We have all experienced being upset about something, and spending time getting more and more upset (worried, angry, hurt, jealous, guilty, and so on) as we mull over it, hence throwing fuel on the fire. How useless is that? Exceptions are compassion and “clean” sadness or grief, which are uncontaminated by concomitant false beliefs, and do not cause contraction of the body.
The suggestion here is that it is best to deal with the matter in a constructive way to resolve it, letting go of upset, perhaps deciding to take some action, shifting to compassion, or accepting something that is beyond our control, even if we do not like it, and so forth. One good way to deal with it constructively, is to WONDER about it. Wondering about something pleasant may be necessary first, to allow a shift of energy into the open relaxed state of wondering. If it is not a good time to deal with it constructively, then it gets stored in your container until such time that you choose to take it out in order to deal with it constructively. For example, lying in bed in the middle of the night is not the best time to deal with anything-it is time to be sleeping, and one can see things much more clearly in the daytime.
The container is just a tool to help one choose when to focus on what. It is good to know and practice that it is up to us when to have our attention focused on what. Just because something pops into our minds does not mean that we have to stay focused on it at that time if it is not a good time. Also, I have discovered that often people have several things on their minds simultaneously, each creating its stress while nothing is getting resolved. No wonder they are walking around feeling tense! Best to allow everything to go into the container, then you are in charge of when you choose to take ONE thing out at a time to deal with CONSTRUCTIVELY. Even if the topic is not upsetting, it may be something you wish to focus on later rather than at the time it pops up when you want your focus elsewhere. Anything you choose to store in your container is always available to be retrieved at a later time.
HOW TO DEVELOP YOUR TOOL: Close your eyes and allow an image of a container to pop up. As you continue to use it, let it evolve if it needs to in order to best suit your needs. When you want a topic to go into your container, simply watch it quickly and easily go in, without you having to lift a baby finger. Some people prefer to see the matter just,float into their container; others like to see it get sucked in by a vacuum force. Any way is fine, as long as you don’t do anything but watch it go in QUICKLY. If there are several things on your mind, they can all go in at once, without you exploring what they all are. Examples of ways people’s containers have evolved is getting a lock put on, having something heavy on top of the lid, the container getting larger, or even turning , into a vault with thick walls. If something is reluctant to go into the container, it is probably because it feels pressing. If it cannot be dealt with at that time, reassuring it that it is important, and telling it when you will deal with it constructively, usually works at having it agree to go into the container.
Once the mind is empty, you should feel a relaxation in the body (to let you know that the topics are indeed in the container), and an ability to be more aware of the here and now. This makes you more effective at whatever task you might be undertaking. Just coming here frequently to a relaxed state with an empty mind is good for us with its grounding effect. Often, going back to the topic that was creating the upset after spending some time here in relaxation, feels very different, with the topic no longer being as upsetting.
You may find it useful to have something serve as a reminder to check in to see whether you are present or need to use your container. Examples include something that you will see repeatedly throughout the day, such as a bracelet, watch, rubber band on your wrist, ring, or cell phone screen.
The great thing about wondering is that it is so simple and something we frequently do without even trying. Yet it is a powerful a tool to get us grounded when we are stressed.
When we feel calm and safe, we have the luxury to wonder, or be curious, or reflect on things. This is not a very time consuming process, but it does take more time than the assuming or jumping to conclusions that can happen when we are stressed.
HOW IT WORKS
When one is wondering, one is accepting that one does not know. This protects one from assumptions. As we wonder, our bodies relax: there is a feeling of open receptivity, and a slowing down. Wondering can be used as a tool for grounding ourselves. As we wonder then wait to see what comes up, we will receive either an insight or an idea of how to deal with the situation, or both. Just like a child gazing at a fish who with wonder and curiosity starts to observe the different colors and patterns of the fish, a person who shifts from worrying about money to wondering about it can be reassured: that he will be able to pay the bills that month, reflect on ideas of consolidating his debts, and consider creative ways to live within his means.
HOW TO WONDER INTENTIONALLY
Firstly, you can get in the habit of wondering about things throughout the day.
Also, any time you feel upset, you can invite yourself into wondering about the topic rather than: worrying, being frightened (unless there is actual danger, of course), being angry, hurt, hopeless, jealous or any other upset about it. This calms you and allows you to have a different perspective on the matter: a more grounded perspective. Often you will get insights or deeper truths beyond what was apparent at the surface. While wondering, a useful habit is to wonder what all do you know to be true in regards to the topic, which then may together lead you to a conclusion e.g. that this was likely an accident that your child had and he is telling the truth. Prior to the wondering, you may have been very upset at the broken family heirloom and ready to display anger at whoever broke it.
For a further example, person A might feel understandably hurt and angry because person B interrupted her. When A wonders about it, she realizes that B was most likely unaware that he interrupted, that he was stressed about something and so not at his best, and that she knows that he cares about her and respects her. Note that just because the upset is understandable or would be commonly experienced by others, does not mean that one prefers to stay upset, which is less pleasant and often can lead to further damage in a relationship.
WHAT IF YOU’RE TOO UPSET TO BE ABLE TO WONDER
If the topic at hand is creating too intense an upset to allow you to shift into wondering, tell it that you are going to put it temporarily aside so that you can look at it from a helpful place. So temporarily put it out of your mind, promising it that it will have your full and healthy attention soon. Watching it go quickly and easily into a storage container can be helpful (see article on container). Once you have done this, check how your body feels to see if it is truly set aside. If your body feels much better, then it is set aside. If it goes into the container but keeps coming out, let it know that you feel it’s very important to be addressed, ask it to wait until you’re ready to address it. Then, alter things so it does not keep coming out e.g. a constant vacuum pulling things into the container which only you can override to get things out, putting a lock or heavy lid on your container, or altering it altogether to for example, a steel vault.
Choose something that you naturally feel wonder about. It can be anything. For example: the ocean, a sky full of stars, a little baby etc. Spend some time being with the object of your wonder with as many senses as possible. As you do this, you will notice your body relax further and you will feel more open as you enjoy the wondering. Now take this wondering and apply it to the topic that was creating all the upset.
WITH WONDERING, TRUTHS CAN REPLACE UPSET
When you replace one “w” word with another by wondering instead of worrying, you realize that what you were worrying about won’t actually happen or is very unlikely to happen.
When you are hurt or angry and shift into wondering, you realize that the hurtful issue at play wasn’t about you, and that you are cared about and worthy of good treatment. In other words, it helps you not to take things personally.
When you are ungrounded and feeling hopeless, with wondering you can get some insight or idea or a realization of just how capable you are that allows you to feel hope.
If you are feeling inferior, wondering will remind you that you all have our unique sets of strengths and weaknesses, but you are all of equal and immense worth.
If you are feeling guilty, you can[NH1] wonder whether you did anything wrong or not, and focus on the fact that we are good people, even though you feel remorse about your actions and want to apologize/make amends.
If you’re struggling with jealousy, wondering will lead you to feel that you are cared about, loveable, and good enough.
If you’re struggling after a break-up, wondering will help you see the negative aspects as well as the positive. It will help you feel loveable, cared about, deserving good treatment, and good enough. It can help you gain insights into room for growth for you and for your ex-partner, and into unhealthy patterns that existed in the relationship. It can guide as to what to watch out for in future relationships, and help you with acceptance of the break-up.
If you’re having difficulty making a decision, wondering about it can give you clarity and help you make a decision that you feel settled about. Wondering first about what all you know regarding this matter can be helpful if it’s a more complex decision.
In summary, when we wonder, or reflect, we slow down and we automatically become more open, relaxed, and quiet. By thus becoming grounded, we are in a position to be open and receptive, ready to receive wisdom, truths, ideas, reassurance, intuition, and insights from the best part of us. Some people call this the Higher Self, or the True Self, the Holy Spirit, or God, or Spirit, or the universe. It is not important to have agreement on naming. And it is okay that this amazingly powerful energetic state is also a very ordinary common state that we all enter frequently without paying attention. What is important is: 1. to recognize how useful it is, 2. to use it intentionally when we are upset, when we might not have thought we had a choice but to feel upset, and 3. to foster the habit of wondering/reflection/curiosity to replace assuming.
Everyone has what we’ll call “big mind”, which is quite wonderful, capable of planning, problem solving, great ideas, and creativity. It can be likened to beautiful wild flowers sprouting up here and there in a mountain meadow.
Then there is the troublesome “small mind” or egoic mind, sometimes referred to as “monkey mind”, which unfortunately, everyone also has. It is borne of fear. It produces negative thoughts of three main kinds: it DOUBTS, FEARS, and JUDGES. If one listens to it, it can wreak all sorts of havoc, causing anxiety, indecisiveness, and guilt. It is, by definition, never content. Even if you won the Nobel Prize, it could question why it took so long, or doubt that it was really deserved.
“Hinduism likens the mind’s restlessness to a crazed monkey cavorting about in its cage. Or rather, a drunken crazed monkey. But more, a drunken, crazed monkey that has St. Vitus’ Dance. Even this is insufficient. The mind is like a drunken crazed monkey with St. Vitus’ Dance who has just been stung by a wasp” Houston Smith
Fortunately, there are ways to manage “small mind” to minimize the trouble it can cause. First of all, it is helpful to think of it as “it”, and not you. Identify instead with inhabiting your body, where you can feel the calmness of knowing the truth as a felt sense, as in the expression: ‘I knew it deep down’.
Where attention goes, energy follows. So if you focus your attention on the truth and the felt sense of it ‘deep down’, it will feel more true. If you want, it helps to use a pleasant image that induces relaxation, as it is easier to trust the truth if one is more relaxed. If,
however, you focus your attention on the nonsense produced by “small mind”, it will create distress and cause the body to tense up.
So one strategy is just ignoring it, and focusing your attention on feeling the truth in your body instead. As you continue to do this, the truth feels truer and truer, and the mind quietens.
Another helpful strategy comes from recognizing that small mind is actually trying to protect you, believing that you are in danger when you are not. This seems to be a learned activity, from the past. So you can direct it to notice the calmness of knowing the truth in your body and reassure it that it is safe to trust it and that you are no longer needing that protection. This will allow it to quieten. This feels very empowering, because you are taming “small mind” instead of allowing it to control you and drive you crazy.
You can also use what’s true to argue back with what “small mind” is saying.
You can also recognize it for what it is and dismiss it, laughing at it.
It is important to develop the habit of being aware of “small mind” when it arises, and not trusting it. Dealing with past traumas, or difficulties results in less negativity in thinking, as does treating depression and anxiety with medication.
When one tries to make decisions using “small mind”, one can spend a very long time and still be unsure, or make unwise decisions. Whereas if one goes to a calm state, where there is access to knowing and trusting oneself, groundedness, and wisdom, good guidance is readily available. So why waste time and energy going to the dry creek for water when the river is there? So when you need to make a decision and you’re not calm, the first thing to do is get yourself calm and THEN WONDER about your question. Allow time, and then notice what arises from your wondering. This process, which involves the felt sense of knowing in the body, is a slower process than the frantic rapid thinking of “small mind”.
Allowing yourself to “not know” and “wonder” allows insights, truths, and ideas to emerge: the beautiful wildflowers of the wonderful BIG MIND.
So practice slowing down, being aware, wondering, and focusing on the calm feeling of Knowing in the body-on a regular basis.
Even though we all have a “small mind” that has the potential to drive us around the bend, there are ways to manage it, and tame it to become quieter over time.
Many people are worriers, and know of family members who are worriers, as it tends to run in families, so may not think much of it. However, depending on the degree of worrying, it can be quite distressing or interfere with functioning, in which case it is called Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD. Some of the symptoms that may go along with the excessive worry in GAD are: restlessness, feeling keyed up or on edge, being easily fatigued, difficulty concentrating, mind going blank, irritability, muscle tension, sleep disturbance, and symptoms of anxiety in general, such as lightheadedness, foggy or spacy head, racing thoughts, dry mouth, tight throat, tight chest, shortness of breath, chest pain, palpitations, shakiness, flushing, sweating, sweaty palms, discomfort in the solar plexus, including butterflies, nausea, cramps and diarrhea, pressure over the bladder, needing to urinate frequently when there may not be much there, tingling in the extremities, and weakness in the legs.
Obviously you do not need to have all or even many of these symptoms to have GAD. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a condition which is treatable with medication and therapy, so you don’t need to continue suffering unnecessarily.
Worrying is not only useless; it is harmful. Whereas some people may believe at an unconscious level or even a conscious level that it is protective, it is in NO way protective, nor does it change anything except for causing suffering to the one worrying and those around. Planning, on the other hand, which is done from a calm place, if it’s necessary, is very useful.
About NINETY FIVE PERCENT of what people worry about NEVER takes place, and the other 5% we have no control over and is not affected by the worry (except in possibly a negative way if you believe in the manifestation of negative energy). Worry is just a bad a habit, and fortunately can be unlearned. The majority of the time, things go well, and when we can trust that we can deal with what might occur (which is unpredictable), there is no need to worry.
Many people who have a habit of worrying know other family members and people who worry, and so assume that it’s natural to worry, and are surprised to find out that not everybody would worry in a certain circumstance.
Life with less worry is much easier and more pleasant for an individual and for those around them. More time and energy can be freed up to be enjoyed and devoted to constructive, enjoyable, or creative endeavors, and to just enjoying being present in the moment with a relaxed body.
A good anti-worry antidote is to install in your body, either with the inner resource or Emotional Freedom Technique or both (both articles on this website ): “The past is over, I am safe now. So I expect things to go well, and I can handle whatever might happen. So there is no need to worry.”
Even if you’re used to it, it doesn’t make it pleasant. If you feel your life would be improved significantly with less of the above symptoms, I encourage you to get help, as both medication and therapy can help, with a combination of the two often the most helpful. Your family doctor could be a good place to start.
Mindfulness is a term which one often hears these days. But what is it exactly? Mindfulness is non-judgemental curious awareness. It happens in the present moment. In order to really observe or notice things, we need to slow down. To pay attention with curiosity takes a little time, and is well worth it.
Our minds are accustomed to producing thoughts at a rapid rate, so that is the speed that we are used to operating at. Unfortunately, at that pace, much in the world around us goes unnoticed.
When instead we pay attention to our thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and impulses, in this curious slowed down manner characteristic of mindfulness, we are rewarded with rich understandings and insights. The self-awareness and reflection that is gained is invaluable in personal growth. They help us change so that we suffer less, and become more the people who we want to be. The more we live mindfully, at a slower pace, the more we can choose how we act, rather than reacting, then regretting our reactions. You can imagine how much more skilful and productive communication would be if people remained grounded, mindful, and take the time to choose what they wanted to communicate.
When we pay attention to others in this non-harried way, we notice things that give us valuable information. This helps us conduct ourselves in more appropriate ways.
When we take the time to pay attention to our environment, there are benefits. We are safer, because we notice danger and we have our intuition to guide us. We find ourselves wondering with awe at the beauty and magnificence of nature. And again, we learn through observation.
It also takes time to notice what is going on in the body, and how it is reacting to various stimuli, which is a huge source of information about ourselves. In addition, it often takes some time for our bodies to release tension, either on their own, or in response to something positive. If we slow down and allow the body the time it needs, we are rewarded with finding ourselves in a better state. This is time very well spent, because the relaxed state is so pleasant, because it affects everything, including how we think, feel, and behave, and because we are cultivating more pleasant and productive habits of being for the future by experiencing it.
When one first starts to slow down, it can feel unnatural, in part because it is unfamiliar. But what a great skill to have, and to nurture. I encourage you – it is worthwhile to persist as you gain experience in slowing down.
You can explore to find what works for you to be your Perfect Helper. It can be an angel, or the best part of you that is sometimes referred to as your Higher Self, which you might call whatever works for you, such as your guide, your manager, or Big Your Name. It can be someone you know or have known, infused with divine qualities, or someone you know of, such as Jesus or Buddah. It can even be an animal. Of course, it can be God.
This being is ALWAYS available to you, and only a thought/image away. As soon as you think of your Perfect Helper, whatever you call him/her, he/she is there for you, with all the wonderful qualities.
What are the qualities of your Perfect Helper? (For the sake of simplicity, I will use the pronoun she).
She is very very loving, and loves you very much. She understands you completely. She is very validating. She is full of compassion and empathy. She does not know how to judge. She is completely accepting. She is kind, gentle, and tender. Her patience is infinite.
You know that everything she speaks is totally true, so you know you can trust her. She speaks with the authority of always speaking the truth, with complete confidence.
She knows exactly what you need, and how to help you. As well as the love, understanding, validation, and compassion as above, she goes on to give reassurance, encouragement, or guidance as needed. She completely believes in you, and helps you feel confident. She is extremely wise, and helps you gain perspective and see things clearly. She is creative, and full of good ideas, always able to help you with any situation. She can be playful and have a sense of humor.
She is ALWAYS able to help you, with anything. Because she loves you so much, she delights in helping you any time. Remember that she is always available, and only a thought away.
If your body does not quickly relax completely with her help, just watch it and give it the time to continue releasing its tension, so that you can feel completely better. You are worth that bit of time.
So the next time that you are upset, remember that you don’t have to stay upset. Help is always available in the form of your Perfect Helper. Why not take advantage of that and feel better quicker?
The “Good Mom” is that part of you that does a great job of handling the family, or the different parts of you. She is very loving, understanding, validating, and empathetic to all family members. At the same time, she is very wise and always does what is best for the family. So while she is equally empathetic to the 2 yr old’s upset as he has a temper tantrum as she is to the withdrawn teenager, she does not bow down to their wishes, but sticks to what is best for the family.
Likewise, the “Good Mom” part of you is very understanding, validating, and compassionate to all parts of you. As well, she knows what is true and reminds you of the truth. She speaks with authority, and you always trust her because you know that she always speaks the truth. She is a source of love, validation, understanding, compassion, acceptance, kindness, reassurance, encouragement, truth, wisdom, and guidance. Her positive regard for you in unconditional. She knows you better than anyone does. She sees and honors your goodness. She is infinitely patient. She is completely non-judgemental. She is always available to help you. She is only a thought away. When you think “Good Mom”, she is there with her amazing energy. She can always help you no matter what.
Making use of the “Good Mom” can be transformative. It can rapidly change things for you and take you from a very bad state to feeling OK. Imagine that you are in a very negative state. At these times, we generally feel all alone with our misery. Then you think: “Good Mom”. Suddenly you are no longer feeling all alone. Now there is someone with you who understands your experience completely, and who cares so much about you. You feel her compassion and tenderness for you. Perhaps she gives you a hug, or offers you some touch. All this feels helps you feel better. Then she tells you the truth about yourself and the situation that was upsetting you. She helps you regain perspective and see things clearly. She gives you whatever you need, whether that be reassurance, encouragement, guidance, strength, empowerment, confidence, courage, or a good idea. Allow your body time to respond to her loving presence and helpful words.
There are many great things about making use of the “Good Mom”. One is that she is always available: anytime anywhere. Another is how powerful she is: she can help you no matter how deep in the pit you are and regardless of the type of distress or what it is about. It doesn’t take long to feel better with her help. There are no “side effects” or other down sides to enlisting her help. It is a very healing experience which deals with the core issues rather than avoiding them. When they are temporarily avoided, they are alive and well, ready to resurface later. Instead, while you’re healing what is needing attention in the moment, you are investing in your future well-being by feeling important truths, thus making them more familiar to your system. Also, it is a very empowering experience, because the “Good Mom” is a part of you. It feels very good to help yourself shift from a bad place to a good place. Lastly, you can very well see it as a spiritual experience.
Because the “Good Mom” provides healing and relief from your distress, you no longer feel the need to escape with the use of alcohol, drugs, food, electronics, gambling, eating disorder behavior, shopping, or other distractions.
With the help of the “Good Mom”, you are now grounded and are able to feel the way you want to and act in the way you want to, whether that be to accomplish something, enjoy something, or have the conversation calmly that needs to take place. From this good state, you can see clearly. You can trust yourself. You can make good decisions. Everything is much easier from here. Life is more enjoyable from here.
Isn’t it a wonderful thing that the “Good Mom” is ALWAYS available to help you?
I will begin by telling a little story that is a metaphor for this method:
One day a little boy glimpsed out of the corner of his eye a dragon in his backyard. Naturally he was frightened and scurried off to play in another room. This continued day after day, the only thing changing is that the dragon would be bigger every day, and the boy more frightened. Years later he was a grown man and the dragon was by this time very large and very destructive, eating the grass, flowers, vegetables and the fence. The man by this time had become so terrified that he was housebound, unable to leave his house. One day, a wise and experienced man came along and shook his head at the sad state of affairs. He told the man that the dragon could not hurt him. He told him that the only thing the dragon needed was for him to go take a good look at it with both eyes and acknowledge its presence and it would promptly disappear. The man, trusting the wisdom of the old fellow, and being sick and tired of both being housebound and the destruction that the dragon was causing, decided to follow his advice. He went right up to the dragon, noticed the shape of it scales, that there were some beautiful green and blue colors in the scales, and sure enough the dragon started to walk away and was promptly no longer visible.
Every child naturally gets upset. Sometimes the upset is quite great and as children we just don't know how to handle it or what to do with it. It overwhelms us, and so we just distract ourselves from it, often not fully understanding it or feeling all of it. The very good news is that in each of us is a very calm detached observer that can observe anything calmly without any judgment. It is helpful for us to identify with this observer, which is the best part of us, rather than with our feelings, beliefs etc. which are actually changeable. The calm observer, on the other hand, remains unchanged and calm always. When we place this complete 100% undivided nonjudgmental attention on any part of our body where we feel an unpleasant sensation and just wait with curiosity, relatively quickly (generally within about 10 seconds],the upset in the body will reveal information about itself. It is important to not think, try to figure things out, or try to remember anything; but instead just remain patient, not knowing, curious , receptive, trusting, and open to finding out whatever is revealed, which may or may not be expected. Sometimes it is one simple emotion, sometimes multiple feelings, sometimes a negative belief, and sometimes images of past memories arise . One continues noticing whatever there is to notice that comes up until the unpleasant sensation in the body seems to have nothing more to reveal and feels satisfied that it is completely understood. At this time you will notice that the intensity of unpleasant sensation will have subsided.
Now you just continue to keep your undivided attention on that part of the body and you will watch it continue to subside rapidly until it disappears completely, which again generally takes about 10 seconds or three breaths. It may take a little longer if you cannot imagine such an old feeling disappearing but as long as you can allow yourself to be surprised and allow it to disappear completely, it will.
You may have heard of the saying: “ what you resist persists.” A feeling that is not allowed to be felt will continue knocking on your door until you allow it to be felt. Once you have let it in for a little cup of tea and it feels understood it has no more need of you and is happy to go on its merry way.
Think of the unpleasant feeling as a part of you that ,because of your fear or judgement of it, you have exiled to Siberia. There it feels cold, lonely, alone, not understood, and even worse disowned by you. Imagine how good it feels to be re-owned and acknowledged as a part of you and then really well understood. It has no other needs, and even if it's left over from an event 50 years ago, it will be happy to go away, making room for the truth to be felt.
With the upset gone, now you are free to feel the truth. It is very useful to go to a very calm place perhaps with the help of some imagery, and wonder about all the truths relating to what the unpleasant sensation was about.
The nice thing about this method is that it requires NO effort of any kind, only your attention for a short period of time. It is very liberating and empowering, while promoting self-understanding and self-acceptance.
Making a habit of using it on your own can leave you feeling grounded and calm much more of the time, even clear up old difficult memories, and improve your quality of life greatly as well as relationships.
Give it a try!
Our patterns of being, or the way that we are organized to make us feel, think, and behave in certain habitual ways, can be thought of as a tree, with various past experiences acting as roots and significant branches to the tree. Discovering the significant past roots and branches to the tree and healing them can have a powerful effect in reducing the strength of these unwanted habits, rather than only dealing with the most recent event.
Generally, one of the past experiences that are considered the most fruitful to address are the earliest, hence the term roots, which are foundational to the tree, when we are youngest, most vulnerable, and still forming belief systems, which then often become habitual.
Another fruitful experience to be curious about is the most intense, because of the magnitude of negative energy there that reinforces the habit.
SO HOW DO I GO ABOUT THIS?, YOU MIGHT ASK
The good news is that the information and ability to heal are all within you, and don’t even require any effort. In fact, the commonest factor that makes some people struggle is putting in effort.
So the first thing is to let your thinking mind, which is often so busy, go on a coffee break, as it is not needed in the process, and will only get in the way. Thinking, efforting, or trying to remember, are counterproductive, as your thinking mind simply does not know.
Fortunately, your body, and your subconscious mind, do know, and all you need to do is wait with curiousity and trust them to reveal information to you without any help from you.
The FIRST step is to get in touch with the part of you that sits back and calmly observes without any judgement, whatever there is to notice in the present moment.. This is called mindfulness. Let yourself be aware of things such as your breath, your body on the chair, any sounds, etc.
SECOND, invite the issue/upset/recent event/anything helpful that brings the issue that you want to explore into the present moment, and look for where you feel any unpleasant sensation(s) in your body. Pay attention to the sensation(s) with curiosity. More information about the sensation might arise to be noticed. Notice if your body recognizes the sensation as familiar.
Now, as you wonder about important roots to the experience, imagine that the experience you’re having is the motor of a magic cloud that is floating gently backwards through time, and has been programmed to land on the very first time your body ever felt just like this, or the very worst time your body has ever felt like this, or both. It is important that the stance you take is a passive one, of just waiting patiently and effortlessly, trusting the cloud to know just where to land all by itself without any help from you, and notice and trust whatever comes up, in whatever way it turns up.
CLEARING THE PAST
Once something from the past has arisen, you can clear it simply with further mindfulness: nonjudgemental curious attention (described in more detail in the UNDERSTANDING YOUR DRAGONS AWAY article), or with acupressure, (as described in the EMOTIONAL FREEDOM TECHNIQUE article), or a combination of both.
INSTALLING THE TRUTH
Once the upset is gone, it is very helpful to replace it by installing the truths, either through imagery (as well described in the CREATING A GROUNDING PLACE article), with EMOTIONAL RFREEDOM TECHNIQUE, or a combination of both. It is helpful to continue installing the truths from time to time, strengthening the new pathways of experiencing so they can more fully replace the old patterns.
This piece is meant to be experienced rather than just read, and is much more impactful that way. It will seem different to many of you, but you will beglad if you try it, as all the people I have done it with have been.
Boundaries are extremely important in life and relationships. Lack of healthy boundaries causes a lot of grief.
First, it may seem strange, but interesting, to extend your arms out around you and get a sense of how strongly you sense that there is an imaginary line at your fingertips on a scale of 0 to 10, 0 being not at all and 10 being strongly.
All children get their boundaries violated, because they are young, small, relatively powerless, and do not live in a perfect world with perfect parents, teachers, and others. So when a child has no choice but to have his boundaries violated again and again, he can’t help but feel (not necessarily all consciously) powerless, helpless, hopeless, hurt, angry, worthless, trapped, and like a victim. As these are felt again and again, they become a habitual way of feeling when boundaries are being violated, even many years later. Do you recognize some of those unpleasant feelings at those times in yourself? The good news is that they are from the past, and you can shift into the empowered, calm and confident part of you.
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon to have people feel that they have two options when faced with a boundary violation: keep quiet to have peace, or confront the other aggressively, and then be faced with conflict. Fortunately, there is a much better alternative to these two undesirable options. From a strong, empowered, calm and confident place, one can handle things skillfully, often being assertive, not aggressive. Exactly how it would look varies depending on the circumstances, but from the desired energetic state of being empowered, it is not hard to know how to handle things.
Now, imagine God, the universe, life, a known or imagined other (whatever works for you) tell you: “ You are very important. Your feelings are important. Your needs are important. Your well-being is important. And you have a very important job: to look after yourself. Remember that this job is not being given to anybody else. You are the only one in your body, and the only one that can do it. Taking good care of yourself is NOT SELFISH; IT IS VERY HEALTHY.” How does it feel to have been given this important job, and to feel that you are important?
Often things that we do with our bodies affect how we feel emotionally. For example, crossing our arms invites a feeling of being more closed while uncrossing them invites a feeling of being more open. We are going to use this to shift into our empowered state.
Find a wall that is going to represent boundary violations. It can represent all boundary violations, past and future. To make it very concrete, imagine that you are trying to push a door closed, because on the other side of it is a strong disturbed guy who is trying to push it open so that he can come in and kill you. There in NO way you are going to let that happen. Just like a mom motivated by love and need can pick up a car to save her baby, feel yourself strengthened the same way. Push with all your might against the wall until you feel a sense of pleasure at closing and locking it. Feel free to rest if you need to if you tire before feeling the pleasure.
Now repeat the sensing of how strong the sense of an imaginary line at your fingertips is. If it is not yet a 10, keep pushing the wall until it is a 10. Notice how within the space surrounding you, you may feel safe instead of vulnerable. Now, just study your experience after having just “protected yourself”. You may notice that you are aware of your strength. You may notice that you feel very calm, relaxed, safe. You may notice that none of the unpleasant feelings listed before (eg hurt, anger, helpless, hopeless etc) are here. You may notice that your posture has changed to one with an erect spine, head up, and shoulders back. You may notice that you feel empowered, and confident.
From this state, you have calmness and clarity, so all you have to do is wonder how to handle a situation, and you will find that you have access to wisdom, good problem solving skills, and good ideas. From here, you might realize how the other person might need some reassurance or empathy, and how you can clearly express your feelings, needs, and requests. Sometimes from here it might feel right to ignore something, give a look, say “please stop”, have a conversation, or something much more drastic. The wisdom that you have access to when you wonder from your empowered state will guide you.
Imagine you are in the midst of a cycling trip from Lake Louise to Jasper, Alberta.
This is, by the way, reputed to be the most beautiful and rugged stretch of road in
Canada. It has spectacular mountain views and wide shoulders, and I am thrilled
to have cycled it with my family. Being a mountain highway, while it is
undoubtedly beautiful, it is also full of long, steep hills, and is hard work.
Imagine that you have travelled one fifth of the way there.
Notice how you feel as you face forwards toward Jasper: You are probably aware
that you have a long way to go, with many hills and two major mountain passes in
front of you to conquer. You may feel daunted, or unsure of your capabilities.
The distance might make you feel tired, discouraged, or even hopeless,
wondering if you’ll ever make it. You may feel some anxiety about the road
ahead, and what challenges it might bring.
Now turn around, and face where you have come from: Lake Louise.
Acknowledge the distance that you have already travelled, and notice how this
feels. You might feel well deserved pride at what you have accomplished. You
might also feel relieved that you were able to cover that distance, and that you
are no longer at the start of your trip. You probably feel a growing sense of self-
confidence, knowing that you can cover ground on this journey. You know that
whatever you have learned on this journey so far is now a part of you, and cannot
Wow, simply turning around can sure make a huge difference in how you feel!
Now, face sideways, so that Lake Louise is to one side of you, and Jasper is to the
other, and again, notice how you feel. You may notice that you now have a quiet
confidence about the rest of your journey, knowing that what brought you this far
and what you’ve learned and will continue to learn, will surely take you the rest of
All of the above is true of the journey of personal growth. Many people focus too
much energy on facing forward and being all too aware of how they are not
where they want to be. They feeling anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-judgement and
self-doubt. The journey ahead is daunting! At times like these it is wisest to
simply turn around, and instead face where you have come from. Acknowledge
the growth and learning that has already taken place. Appreciate your
accomplishments to date. And then face sideways: celebrate how far you have
come, while still being aware of where you would like to go. Feel the faith in
yourself, and motivation, energy, and hope for the future. You realize that the
desire for being the best you can be and to suffer less, which has brought you
from where you were to where you are, will always be there to take you further
and further along your journey.
You may then even realize that you are now just where you’re supposed to be.
One of my clients/patients came up with this question to help her make the right decision when tempted by an addiction. It also helped her to shape herself into who she wanted to be in many aspects of her life. When tempted, she would reflect on THE QUESTION, which would help her make the right decision.
Concurrent with that question are these ones: DOES/WOULD THIS MAKE ME FEEL BETTER OR WORSE ABOUT MYSELF? And IS THIS CONSISTENT WITH THE CHARACTER TRAITS THAT I VALUE? I have found that people can often have all kinds of rationalizations and arguments about things, but if they ask themselves these two simple questions, simple yet profoundly important, they often are helped to get quickly to their truth.
And how we feel about ourselves is much more important than so many other things, and has a huge impact on our thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
When we stop ourselves from acting on an urge or impulse that is coming from a less ideal part of ourselves, for example to lie, say something hurtful out of anger, or eat when we’re upset and not hungry, and act instead based on WHO DO I WANT TO BE?, we feel better about ourselves, and can feel proud instead of guilty, or upset at the conflict that we have been a part of. This is often possible because of the grounding effect of asking the question and wondering about the answer, giving perspective.
Consider for example a husband who was embroiled in a vicious cycle of blame, anger, criticism, and defensiveness with his wife for many years. The big turning point for him was realizing that he did not like who he had become in the relationship. This insight was a huge motivation for him to become who he wanted to be. This allowed the marriage to turn around, despite he being the only one who continued in therapy, and despite the situation initially appearing somewhat hopeless to both in the couple, and frankly not too optimistic to me, either.
When you think about it, life is pretty short in the big scheme of things. The choices you make and how those choices affect you and those around you are up to you and nobody else. As Ghandi said, “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” Considering how important your well-being is, as well as that of your fellow humans, why not aim to make the best choices for your well-being?
Think of the world as your oyster, discover your passions, which are sometimes shaped by what pains you the most, and continue shaping yourself into who you want to be as you journey through life.
Knowing who you want to be from your true self, how wonderful to not let things like limiting beliefs, others’ judgements, fear, or hopelessness get in your way!
Buddhists have an idea of imagining a bird on your shoulder reminding you that this could be the last day of your life. Likewise, a friendly bird asking you who you want to be on an ongoing basis could be a very good thing for us all. Imagine all that could be possible with the help of your little friend posing the question with every little or big decision. It’s up to you what you create.
Imagine a beautiful spacious house, full of lovely comfortable furniture, cozy warm soft blankets, beautiful flowers and plants, and a lot of sunshine. The owner of this amazing place is a wonderful host, full of interest in you, curiosity, understanding, love and compassion. He wants to welcome every single part of you with open arms. He wants to get to know every part of you. There is plenty of room even for parts of you that feel opposite of each other, parts that are in conflict, parts that want opposite things. He does not know how to judge.
There is understanding and compassion for the part that is angry and the part that is guilty about the anger . There is understanding and compassion for the self-judgement, and for the judgment about the self-judgement. He understands that you have always been doing your best all things considered, even when your best has not been very good. In his compassionate arms on the cozy furniture, all wounded parts can be transformed and healed. The unconditional love, acceptance, and compassion of this wonderful host and house act like magic.
Knowing that this place is available, the vulnerable parts can emerge gradually from your subconscious to be welcomed home and healed. Every human being has parts, whether conscious or not, who feel things like fear, hurt, anger, and shame. Everyone has parts that feel unloveable, not good enough, powerless, and so on. Healing of vulnerable parts allows you to become increasingly aware of very positive aspects of yourself: of love, wisdom, joy, strength, compassion etc. These are also welcomed into the house with love, honoring, and celebration.
Can you feel the sense of space and safety here? One patient, who has major issues with her body, reported seeing herself walk very comfortably naked, in every sense, in this house.
This host and house is a representation of your calm nonjudgemental attention, which is also referred to as mindfulness. As you may have gathered, it can be perceived as divine in nature.
Why not make a habit of spending time in your amazing healing house, enjoying the transformation of yourself and your life as you do so?
This simple and quick decision-making method utilizes your body to help you determine how you feel.
Starting with an empty mind and neutral body, you notice the first thing that happens in your body upon given various permission statements. You need to trust that this is TRUE PERMISSION, for example permission being given by God/the Divine/the Universe.
For example, if you couldn’t decide whether to go to a concert or not, the two statements that you would compare your body’s reaction to would be: “You can go to the concert if you want to” and “You don’t have to go to the concert if you don’t want to”. If you notice tension in your body upon first hearing the permission statement, that is an indication that you do not prefer that option. If you notice relaxation, relief, or excitement, that is an indication that you feel positively toward that option. Lack of a reaction might mean some ambivalence, or lack of strong feelings. No difference in the body reactions with different options indicates that you feel similarly about them.
There can be more than two options, for example a choice of three places to go on vacation.
It is best to not know what option is coming before you get the permission statement. One way to do this is to have someone else say the permission statements to you.
Another way, if you want to do it by yourself, is to write out the permission statements on pieces of paper, fold them, and mix them up. Then when you pick one to read it, you won’t know which one you’re getting.
I used to be quite indecisive, and found that applying this method regularly on all sorts of decisions gradually made me much more decisive, and much more trusting of myself.
I discovered that it had another very positive effect: that of reinforcing that I was a good person who lives in a permissive world, helping me feel more free and important.
There are many ways to escape a negative emotional experience: alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, food, gambling, shopping, sexual experiences, sleep, and work to name some.
If you use or have used one or some of these methods to escape, you probably don’t know how else to cope. Don’t be hard on yourself, because you were just trying to get by in the only way that you knew how.
The good news for you is that RELIEF is possible, which makes ESCAPE no longer necessary. When you have been used to escaping, the concept of relief is a foreign one. It feels like suffer or escape. Relief is far superior to escape because, unlike escape, a) you are dealing with the source of stress, and b) the relief is not harmful. With escape, on the other hand, the stress is left undealt with, accumulating every time you escape. Also, excessive use of the escape route is harmful.
When you deal with an upset in a constructive way so that you feel better, that is relief. Tools on this website that provide relief include CREATING A POWERFUL INNER RESOURCE and EMOTIONAL FREEDOM TECHNIQUE. With the help of such tools, you can feel better by, for example, no longer taking something personally, feeling safe as you feel that the danger was in the past, no longer worrying but instead trusting that things will be OK and that you will be able to handle things, feeling that your best is good enough, being able to forgive yourself/another, etc. Talking to someone trustworthy can be helpful. You may want to see a therapist for some help. Programs that provide support have helped many.
Think of your psyche as being an infant that sometimes has an unmet need, making it cry a shrill cry that you cannot stand. Taking an escape route is like listening to loud music with some headphones. You no longer have to hear the crying temporarily while the headphones are on, but the baby’s needs remain unmet. Ignored, the crying becomes more intense and frantic. Relief is like picking up the baby, determining what it needs, such as milk, a burp, a diaper change, some rocking, etc., soothing it by giving it what it needs, and enjoying the peace of a quiet content baby. Not only are you not hurting your ears with the loud music, but you haven taken good care of your precious baby. The baby is your emotional self, which is indeed precious. It deserves to be well cared for, and if it’s ignored, the built-up unmet emotional needs add up and cause more distress and trouble.
Also, when there is addiction, there is often another mental health issue that a person is trying to cope with. Examples of this include ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (excess worry), depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, panic disorder, and social anxiety. These are all treatable with medication as well as therapy. So seeing your doctor is a good idea.
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