HOW DEEP IN THE HOLE ARE YOU?

 If you have ever been out walking or hiking in nature, you will know that your view

changes depending on where you are. The same mountain can look very different from

one side compared to the other, and whether you’re at its base, its summit, or partway up.

Likewise, if you think of being ungrounded or depressed as a hole, with the depth of the

hole reflecting the degree of ungroundedness or the severity of the depression, obviously

your perspective is going to be very much affected by how deep in the hole you are.

The reason that this is so important is that people have a natural tendency to trust

themselves. Normally, of course, self-trust is a very important and healthy thing. The

problem is that when we are ungrounded or not well, it is the upset or the depression, the

anxiety, or the hypomania, etc. that is giving us cues, and not our true grounded selves.

And the illnesses or ungrounded state give distorted cues that are not to be trusted.

For example, someone with severe depression, who is very deep in the hole, is going to

likely have strong and frequent or constant feelings and thoughts of hopelessness. Down

so deep and far away from the surface, he can perceive no light. In fact, on the surface

the sun can be shining brightly. But deep in the hole it is pitch darkness. Likewise, there

is hope for this individual’s life, but he cannot feel any hope these days because of the

severity of his depression. If he trusts the profound hopelessness and believes that there

is no hope, he may end his life. This is very tragic, because his life would have improved

if he had continued to live and gotten the help he needed. When people are better, they

report that the suicidal thoughts disappear, and that it’s hard to relate to how they used to feel.

People who I see who are suicidal will inevitably admit that they had felt like that before

and it had passed, so I remind them that it will pass this time too.

Hopelessness and despair are not the only negative feelings that are more prevalent with

being deeper in a hole. All negative feelings are more prevalent and more intense with

greater severity of depression. So when one is very fearful or worried, pessimistic,

mistrustful, guilty, or feeling not got enough, these too are because one is too deep in the

hole. Because one can’t see clearly there, one shouldn’t be too trusting of these negative

feelings and thoughts, and make decisions based on them. One needs to be logical, and

trust what he knows to be true even though he cannot feel it. He can trust that he will be

able to feel it when things are better, and he’s no longer so deep in the hole.

The Anxiety Hole

The main untrustworthy negative feelings with anxiety are fear, worry, and guilt. I saw a

man with OCD who was too scared to start medication to treat it even though he had had

a positive experience with it in the past. Despite us working on his fear, starting the

medication was delayed by the fear. After he started the medication and was feeling

better, he had no concerns about taking the medication, even though he was on a higher

dose by then. Of course, his other fears were also no longer a problem. The same is true

of pregnant women with anxiety. Once they are responding to the treatment, they are

OK, but the challenge is to get them started when the anxiety is making them too fearful.

Knowing that the fear is untrustworthy because one is deep in the hole, one can mistrust

the fear and make good decisions.

The Hypomania Distortion

When one is in a state of hypomania or mania, the untrustworthy distortions go along

with overly positive and unrealistic feelings. Rather than a hole, we might liken this to

being above the ground, and not being able to clearly see the real dangers that exist on the

ground. A person in this state might be overly optimistic and carefree, and feel overly

confident, superior, impulsive, and invincible while having impaired judgement.

Obviously this can cause problems because of bad decisions, whether it’s spending more

than one can afford, or not being concerned about breaking the law.

The Human Hole

Even without any illness at all, as humans we all get ungrounded. Everybody has a

personality that has issues, sensitivities, or buttons. The more we grow and heal, the

more we shrink them, and the less easily we get “upset” or worked up. The more self-

aware and honest with ourselves we become, the more we can recognize our patterns, and

when we are ungrounded. We can get feeling inappropriately afraid, angry, hurt, guilty,

overly suspicious, overly responsible, judgemental, judged, defensive, lonely, victimized,

ashamed, attacked, and so on. All these types of feelings indicate being ungrounded,

unless one is afraid because an actual danger exists. In this case, the fear is adaptive.

Also, calm sadness due to some type of loss, and compassion, are grounded. It is

important to be aware of how grounded or ungrounded we are so that we know how

much to trust our reactions, and so we can make wise choices about our behavior.

It’s very important to adjust our driving and speed to very blizzardy or foggy conditions.

Likewise if we are irritable because of some pain or stress, it is good to be aware of it and

not take it out on our partner. Knowing ourselves and our sensitivities helps us discern

when our reaction might be exaggerated and wiser to handle with some inner work rather

than asking others to change their behavior. When we are very angry, it is wisest to

reflect on our feelings, needs, and requests then talk calmly to the person involved when

we are able to do so. This results in much less damage all around then blasting them with

our rage, which usually leads to escalation, with everyone and the relationship getting

hurt and needing repair.

LOOK AROUND!

So take the time to look around and see where you are before assuming that your vision is

clear and your perceptions are to be trusted. That way you can be more in control of

yourself and your life rather than being led around by all your reactions, regardless of

how untrustworthy they are. By all means accept all your feelings without judgement.

But NEXT ask yourself honestly whether they are trustworthy or not. Don’t be ashamed

to admit to yourself that your feelings are untrustworthy. That only makes you human.

And being honest with yourself, and others, is something to be proud of. Your humility

and honesty will be appreciated by others, and will result in respect, not judgement. They

will invite others to trust you more, and you will enjoy more harmony in your 

Imagine with me that there is a part of you that is like a crying infant, and that cry is something you feel that you just can’t handle. So every time the infant cries, you reach for some headphones so that you don’t have to hear it. The infant’s cry represents some unpleasant emotions that you don’t feel that you can handle, and the headphones are one of many possible “escape routes”.

People use a wide range of escape routes including alcohol, nicotine, various sorts of drugs, gambling, electronic games, shopping, food, binging and purging, and shoplifting, to name a few. Then there’s always ignoring.

The use of escape routes leads to lots of problems:

-whatever emotional upset arose, is left unattended. The crying infant is a precious part of you, whose unmet needs keep accumulating each time you wear the headphones.

-the crying infant part of you feels abandoned: all alone with its upset, with nobody understanding or caring about its feelings. This leads to all sorts of emotional distress and relationship problems

-the addiction itself causes many health, social, and economic problems, such as unwanted weight gain, loss of a driving license, relationship problems, and so on, which only adds to suffering and the creation of additional negative emotions requiring escape.

– at some level the person knows that the addiction is in control, and not him. This knowledge, and the accompanying denial, leads to deep negative emotions such as shame, guilt, fear, powerlessness, and hopelessness, again leading to further suffering, and further temptation to escape.

To continue the analogy, when you feel the urge to reach for headphones, it is so much healthier to pick up that precious crying baby, wonder about its distress, and soothe its crying by meeting its unmet need. Obviously, this eliminates the urge to put on headphones, as there is no longer any crying to tempt you to escape. The baby in this analogy represents your emotional health. Attending to your own emotional needs benefits you greatly. Emotional upsets can be resolved as they come up. There can be healing of longstanding negative beliefs resulting in personal maturity and a sense of enduring ease. One becomes aware of their resilience in being able to handle negative emotions and body sensations. Resilience gives confidence. It reduces the urge to escape – and with less urge to put on the headphones, it is easier to be free of addictions without having to use so much willpower. There is less risk of the pattern of replacing one addiction with another.

Why is there so much fear to experience negative emotions? It is because for all of us, they first occurred at a very young age, when we didn’t have the resources to handle them, and felt overwhelmed by them. As we grow older, the fear of them persists, as habits generally do.

Furthermore, some people have even more negative emotion, because of abuse, neglect, familial dispositions toward depression, anxiety, bipolar, ADHD, psychosis, and so on, and combinations of the above.

The GREAT NEWS is that using our CALM NONJUDGEMENTAL CURIOUS ATTENTION, we can in fact handle observing our unpleasant emotions and body sensations, and being allowed, they will spontaneously pass. One name for this is MINDFULNESS. Using mindfulness we can all discover that we are more resilient than we thought we were.

Using this mindfulness is like having a very gracious benevolent loving host with a huge spacious house welcoming all parts of you with genuine curiosity and a desire to understand with compassion. This includes all parts with all emotions and experiences, including parts that feel opposite to each other. This compassionate acceptance and understanding, which is the best part of us, is a powerful transformative energy to bring to everything else. Bringing mindfulness to the wounded parts of ourselves is bringing the most powerful understanding wise part of ourselves to the most vulnerable parts that need it to heal. Then we realize that in our being human we are all of it.

Using mindfulness to place our curious attention on wherever we feel unpleasant sensations in our body allows us to effortlessly learn about our feelings, unconscious beliefs, and even their origins. And then through understanding them, they’re spontaneously healed! If things aren’t arising as you focus, just be patient, and make sure that you are adopting a passive, receptive, trusting stance, rather than an active thinking one. Read more on this powerful method in another article on this site entitled, “UNDERSTANDING YOUR DRAGONS AWAY”.

Other powerful tools for healing ungrounded emotions and false negative beliefs, as well as installing grounded positive emotions and beliefs are described in the document entitled, “CREATING A POWERFUL INNER RESOURCE” and “EMOTIONAL FREEDOM TECHNIQUE”.

“A TOOL FOR BECOMING ALMOST INSTANTANEOUSLY RELAXED AND PRESENT” is useful for emptying your mind temporarily when it is not a good time to resolve an upset. However, it is to be used as a container to store things that need to be later retrieved and resolved, rather than as an escape.

Medications are amongst the many effective strategies that are available to combat addictions and the illnesses listed above. Often addictions develop from a person self-medicating unpleasant symptoms like anxiety. Medications are much safer than self medicating with substances of abuse. Here’s another important tool: many people find 12 step programs very helpful, with their emphasis on support, accountability, and facing rather than escaping life.

Whichever tools you use, a wisest overall approach is a multimodal one, involving support, mindfulness, healing, and medication as needed.

EMOTIONAL EATING AND COMFORT FOOD

Emotional eating is an extremely common form of escape,partly because it  is culturally more acceptable than many other types of escape. It, too, can lead to considerable suffering, and sometimes to health problems. Because food is widely available to children it can start in childhood.

I will use it here as an example of how to deal with the crying baby and not need any headphones. This applies to all escape routes.

“Comfort food” that people crave when the body is not hungry but they are craving some comfort, is typically carbohydrates and sweets. Cravings for these foods is one of the possible symptoms of depression, and research has discovered the biochemical basis for the cravings.

This is the process that I have used often in my office: I guide people to visualize the craved food (e.g. cheesecake) and invite the strong craving for it to be experienced. Then I invite them to turn their curious nonjudgemental attention inwards towards their bodies, and WONDER what they are feeling. It is perfectly fine to stay in not knowing and wondering until something arises. It is a process of noticing what comes up rather than “figuring it out”. As long as there is a craving, there is some sort of upset, even if it is completely unconscious, and even if it is just boredom. The great thing is that the wondering will reveal it. Once it’s revealed, wondering what is really true about the topic or what might be a good way to handle the situation, can resolve it. Once it is dealt with, in any of the ways mentioned above, invariably the craving and its accompanying bodily sensation, to people’s amazement, is gone! Now when they bring up the image of the cheesecake, etc., they no longer feel they need it. They may desire nothing to eat if they are full, or something lighter if their bodies are needing some food.

HANDLING CRAVINGS

So whenever there is a craving for anything, stay away from the thing that you are craving. Instead, assume that something is bothering you and spend a little bit of time with yourself wondering how you are doing, even if there is absolutely nothing apparent. It may just take a few minutes, and you’ll find yourself liberated from the craving, feeling better about whatever was amiss, and feeling more in control of your actions without having to exert a lot of willpower. Of course, if you want to spend longer and dig deeper, that will also be useful.

Learning to become present with unpleasant feelings will equip you to become master of your whole world. Really. 

Thankfully, we all have an imagination that is infinite in nature.  We can imagine pretty much anything.  If we wanted to imagine being a rock on Mars, we could.

Another wonderful thing about imagination is that it is effortless.  We don’t need to try to imagine things.  We can just see what comes up when we imagine this or that.

It is important to know that what we imagine can affect us.  If we imagine something pleasant, our bodies will respond by relaxing and perhaps other pleasant experiences.  If we imagine something scary, our bodies will respond by contracting and perhaps other unpleasant experiences.

Without consciously choosing to, when we worry and think “What if this or that”, we are often imagining negative things, and it has a negative effect on our well-being.

Why not, like Anne in Anne of Green Gables,  consciously choose to use our imagination for our benefit?

When we imagine things going well, we feel good.  Often, it is like a rehearsal, setting things up for the future interaction to more likely go well, for example.

To have a vision of a career goal or a goal to be slim, for example, can be very helpful in keeping one positive, motivated, patient, and engaged.

There are many helpful things that you can imagine.  You can imagine expressing your anger at someone then receiving the apology that you’re needing.  You can imagine a different ending to an upsetting memory.  You can imagine someone showing up to help you.  You can imagine receiving things you needed and missed out on in your childhood. People often wish that they could communicate with someone who has passed away. In your imagination, there’s nothing to stop you from having those conversations.  Just allow these types of experiences to impact you.  We use them all the time in therapy sessions, and they are very powerful and effective.

We tend to under-utilize our imagination.  Since you have it, and it’s infinite, effortless, and can have a big positive impact, why not play around with it? 

 A MEDITATION

Some of the posts on this blog, or parts of them, are best experienced as a meditation, rather

than being quickly read through, in order to get more out of them. You can either read, stop

and meditate on what you’ve read, then read the next short part, and so on. Or you can record

it, read slowly, and listen to it, again allowing images, feelings, and other experiences to be

noticed. This is particularly true of this one.

Other posts that are best wholly or partially experienced as a meditation include: CREATING A

POWERFUL INNER RESOURCE, THE CASE FOR COMPASSION VS. JUDGEMENT, and MANAGING

SMALL MIND.

First, choose any two emotions that are opposite. As an example, I will use here love and

anger. Allow the experience of love to be there in your body. To invite it, you can think of

memories, people, pets, places: anything that invites the feeling. Notice where all in your body

you feel it and what it feels like. Now invite anger to be experienced in your body. Again, use

anything you wish to invite the feeling, such as memories, things that typically anger you, and

so on. Again, note where all in your body you feel it and what it feels like.

Now go back to feeling love. Once it’s there, go back to feeling anger. And back to love again.

Now invite the sensations that go along with love to be present in the right half of your body,

while those that go along with anger to be in the left half of your body. Notice what your mind

does with this. Does it perhaps say that that is impossible? But what does it know? Once

you’re there, go ahead and switch sides, so that anger is experienced on the right, and love on

the left. Once there, let’s switch back one more time.

During the last several minutes there has been a lot of change going on, with different

emotions, memories, sensations, then opposite emotions simultaneously on the opposite

sides of the body, then changing places. The experiencing part of you has been experiencing a

lot of change. At the same time, there has been a separate part of you just calmly observing

(then calmly reporting) everything that has been going on. The invitation now, and for the rest

of this meditation, to focus on this separate “observing” or “observer” part of you, and to

identify with it. We are going to explore its qualities together. Does it seem to you that it could

also be called “awareness” or “consciousness”?

While the experiencing part of you was undergoing all those changes, was this awareness itself

also changing, or was it remaining the same, just calmly observing the changes? Take the time

to notice and enjoy just how calm and peaceful this part is.

Whereas you might not have been aware of its existence, was this awareness there the whole

time since we started this meditation? Will it be there in five minutes? In one hour? In four

hours? Tomorrow? One week from now? One month? One year? Several years from now?

Can you imagine one day a long long time from now, this awareness calmly watching your body

take its last breath, knowing that the body is no longer needed, just like it has calmly watched

everything else throughout the years?

And was this awareness there before you started this meditation? An hour ago? Yesterday?

Last week? Last year? Many years ago? When you were born? Remember, you don’t need to

be aware of its existence in order for it to be there!

Is there a time when it will no longer be there? Is there a time going backwards when it was

not there? Take your time to discern for yourself based on your observations now, not based

on prior thoughts or beliefs, whether this awareness seems to be eternal ie having always been

there, and will always be there. In other words, does it seem to be be beyond and separate

from what you normally identify yourself as defined between birth and death? This alone is

huge, as it speaks to our fear of death.

Let’s keep exploring the qualities of this “awareness”. If it’s always calmly observing whatever

is going on, is it then free of fear? Of shame? Of anger? Of Hurt? Of jealousy? Of confusion? Is

it in fact free of all negativity? Wow!

If nothing can change it, never mind hurt it, is it afraid of anything? And does it need anything?

Is it complete? It seems pretty powerful then, doesn’t it?

Being free of all negativity allows it to be free to be what? Calm and peaceful, we already

discovered. Continue experiencing that as you continue identifying with it. Is it loving? From

this place visualize some people being happy, and notice if there is happiness for them. Is that

out of love? Now visualize a frightened child, and notice if you there is compassion for him. Is

that out of love? So there’s freedom from negativity, and it’s loving and compassionate. Is it

also free to be creative? Playful? Kind? Is it free to be everything positive? Take your time with

all of this. Wow!

Does awareness know how to judge? Or is it full of understanding of reasons, a deep

knowledge that people are doing their best, even when their best is really bad, and

compassion? Does this awareness fight against reality, or does it calmly accept things as they

are, even if there is sadness and compassion for people suffering? Does it see incidents in

isolation, or does it have a broad perspective, understanding the big scheme of things? Is it

wise?

When it sees A and B hurting each other, does it, from its calm observing place, feel an urge to

rush in and rescue, or does it observe with compassion, knowing that this scene is a part of

each of their journeys, and that there are lessons to be learned for each?

So far we have discovered that it is eternal, afraid of nothing, needing nothing, free of all

negativity, loving with all that that is, compassionate, accepting, wise, and everything positive.

Now let’s ask where this awareness is, and whether we can localize it. Some people initially say

that it is in their head, or somewhere in their torso. If you look in these places, you will find it.

But let’s check and see if it’s anywhere else in the body as well. Close your eyes and hold out

your arm. Without seeing it, do you know where your arm is? Of course. So is it in your arm?

Is it in your leg? Is it everywhere in your body?

What about the space around your body-can you imagine it there? What if you go out a bit

further? And a bit further still? Can you find a line anywhere that separates where the

awareness is and where it isn’t? In other words, can you find its outer margin? If not, does it

fill the room? your neighborhood? your city or town? your country? the world? the earth? the

universe? Is it in fact infinite as well as eternal?

Like everyone, ever since your birth, you have been deeply conditioned to perceive yourself as

a separate individual. From the beginning of language development, people spoke of your

name, your family, your crib, your toys, your food.

But what if this awareness were your true nature, or the essence of your being? We could then

refer to that separate named individual that you thought you were as your “bodymind”, as

Eckhart Tolle and many others refer to it. It would then be the bodymind that experiences life,

while awareness looks on. Inherant in the separate view of self is a potential sense of threat

from another, who could hurt me, judge me, or reject me. In contrast, one’s awareness is one

with everyone else’s awareness, so there is a sense of unity and a lack of threat.

Some people might refer to this awareness as spirit. Others might call it consciousness, or

mindfulness. The name is less important. It is the best part of you. It is the most pleasant to

experience, and when operating from here, you have access to all of what is best in you: your

equanimity, groundedness, proper perspective, understanding, clarity, compassion, strength,

creativity, good problem solving skills, your greatest capacity to love, to accept, to endure what

you need to, the courage to change what you can, the wisdom to discern the difference, the

ability to have healthy boundaries, the ability to not take things personally, and so on. The

wonderful thing is that this wonderful energetic state, which is calm nonjudgemental

awareness, is always available-anytime and anywhere. One way to invite yourself here is to

begin by picking any object such as something you are perceiving with one of your senses, or a

thought or feeling. Then ask yourself: “Who is it who is aware of this?” The answer is, of

course, awareness. Then ask: “What is this awareness like?” The answer is a reminder of all

the above qualities, and you find yourself enjoying the calmness, the sense of quietness and

spaciousness, and so on. Alternatively, you can invite yourself into calm nonjudgemental

awareness. From here, you can wonder about anything, then wait to receive what comes up. 

It is important for truths to feel true in our bodies, rather than to be just known as true in our heads. The more relaxed our bodies are, the more true the truths will feel. Therefore it is important to use installation methods  if necessary to help us feel that the words are true. One way is to use imagery as is described in the “Creating a Grounding Place” article. Another method is to tap in the truth as is outlined in the”Emotional Freedom Technique”.  Both of these are available on this website.

Here are some important truths to install:

-I am lovable and acceptable just I am.

-I am good. My behavior is sometimes bad, but my intentions are good.

– I behave badly when I am feeling badly, like others.

– I am perfectly good enough without being perfect. Nobody is perfect.

– I am always doing my best, given what I know and feel and the circumstances.

– Therefore I, and others, deserve compassion, not judgment.

– It is okay that there are many things beyond my control. I am just human.

– I deserve good treatment.

 – Having been treated badly does not mean that I deserved it.

-I am entitled to all my feelings.  Judging myself for feeling something only creates more suffering. With self-acceptance, if I recognize the feeling is ungrounded, then I can  help myself with it.

– My needs, feelings, and well-being are important. I have the right and the responsibility to take good care of myself.

- If I truly approve of myself, I do not need external approval nor need to worry about judgment from others.

– When I am grounded, I can trust myself.

– I want to be kind, gentle , and understanding with myself, which is what I deserve, and which works best.

– It is impossible and unnecessary to please everybody all the time.

– It is okay to make mistakes.   All human beings make mistakes.

– Mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow.

– I want to nurture feelings of gratitude, celebration, and self appreciation.

– I am neither inferior nor superior to anybody else. We are all equal in worth. Everyone has their own unique set of strengths and weaknesses.

– The past is over. I am safe now. I can be a good advocate for myself now.

– If I am too angry, it is best for me to disengage temporarily to prevent doing harm.

– Apologizing and forgiving lead to more peace.

This is obviously not a complete list of important truths, so you can add your own.  The more time you spend feeling a truth as true, the more you will find yourself living out of it feeling true, and the more grounded and calm you will be able to remain. 

In the well-known book, play, and film “Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde”, a man is portrayed as having two very different aspects to his personality: one good to the extreme, and the other, the embodiment of all that is evil.

I have heard people describe people who they know, often their spouses, as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  Others have described two opposite “voices” within themselves, the “good” one seated on one shoulder and the “bad” one on the other. Some people think of these as God and Satan.

All of us have times when we are at our best:  calm, confident, creative, inspired, loving, kind, compassionate, empathetic, patient, generous, thoughtful, forgiving, reasonable, wise, content, curious, humble, clear-thinking, courageous, determined, full of good ideas, playful, tolerant, trustworthy, trusting, faithful, honest, respectful, and so on. When we are at our best, there are a lot of lovely qualities available.

And then there are the other times. All people also have times when they are not at their best or are even at their worst.  These include times of anger, violence towards self or another, fear when there is no real danger, guilt, jealousy, doubt, suspicion, self-judgement, judgemental of others, inferiority, superiority, deceit, self-righteousness, hypocrisy, helplessness, panic, despair, hopelessness, stubbornness, scorn, and it goes on.  Nobody chooses to get upset.  It is a normal part of being human.  We deserve compassion for being upset, not judgement.

When we are “at our best”, this can be thought of as being connected to who we really are/our essence, or being connected to the best of what it is to be “human”, or closer to our divine nature, or to the Divine.  This is available when we are grounded, centered, or relaxed; when we do not feel threatened.

When we are not at our best, it can be thought that we are operating from our ego, which is insecure by nature, or from the part of us that has been wounded from the past. 

So what can one do with upset when it arises? Firstly, it is helpful to notice it and be curious about it without judgement: practice purposeful detached awareness.  Secondly, accept the upset feelings and validate them by telling ourselves that they are understandable.  All feelings are understandable.  Assuming our feelings are acceptable and seeking to understand them given our past is constructive, whereas judging ourselves only multiplies the upset.  Remember that you are not choosing to be upset; you just find the upset arising, and it is unpleasant.  Therefore, you deserve compassion, not judgement.

Understanding, acceptance, and compassion for your upset does NOT mean trusting it or having to stay in it.

Because being Mr. Hyde is unpleasant and is often harmful to both ourselves and others, you can choose to take steps to invite a shift to Dr. Jekyll.  Why choose this?  Because you can, because it feels better, and because is more constructive and less destructive.

Depending on the intensity of the upset, the speed and ease with which the shift will occur will vary greatly.

One can take a break from a conversation that is starting to get heated in order to allow each participant to cool down before resuming, rather than let Mr. Hyde speak out of anger, causing a fight to escalate.  Changing the triggering environment can be the first step towards shifting.  But this is often not enough.

Wondering what is true about the relevant topic can be very useful as it invites openness, calmness, and seeking of the truth – it helps one reflect on things from a more reasonable rather than from an upset place.  When the upset is small, this may be enough to lead to a shift.

When the upset is more intense, it may not be possible to shift into wondering about what’s true. In that case, it is very helpful to put the source of upset aside temporarily and focus instead on something pleasant or neutral in the present moment, so that the body can become relaxed.  The more intense the upset is, the longer it is likely to take for the body to become relaxed.  Just watch it with curiosity and no judgement, and allow it the time it needs to become completely relaxed.  Once relaxed, one can choose to wonder about the topic then or at a later time when also relaxed.  It is amazing how differently you can feel and see things from a calm grounded place.  Obviously, one’s plan for resolution may involve taking some action, such as communicating with somebody.

The key is to know that the wonderful Dr. Jekyll is a part of us, is always available to each of us (though it may take some practice to allow the shift), and that we can practise the tools to shift there.  Why suffer and inflict pain as Mr. Hyde when a much better option exists?  The more you practice making this shift, the better you will get at it, and you will enjoy celebrating the many benefits you will reap in your life. That has been my experience, as well as that of others. 

  It has been a huge honor to learn about the inner worlds of many, many people. It turns out, it is really common that people put up with a nasty negative voice, offering criticism about their thoughts, words and actions, and predicting disaster. It is an inner judge. But here’s the good news: fighting your inner judge is a long but rewarding battle, as you liberate yourself a bit each time you win.

In any battle, it is helpful to understand your enemy. The inner judge tries to put you down to make you feel not good enough, inferior, bad, unworthy etc. This can lead to any upsetting emotion or symptom, such as anxiety, sleepiness, raciness, spaciness etc. It is devious and relentless, and can seize any opportunity to hurt you, even if its message is blatantly untrue or doesn’t make sense. It expects you to be perfect, which is, of course, not necessary. One of its common messages is “You could have done better”. The antidote to this is “I did my best, all things considered”. And, the judge tends to make a huge deal of everything. For that, I like the phrase “It’s not the end of the world”, or “Will it matter in 10 years?” 

Two great antidotes to inner judgement are compassion and pride. For example, if the judge’s message is that you are not good enough because you got so little done one day, compassion for yourself for feeling unwell which affected your productivity is appropriate and feels good. As well, you could feel pride/self-appreciation both for getting stuff done despite feeling unwell, and for doing a good job with self care, which is very important. Also very helpful is to remind ourselves of our inherent worth, inviting ourselves into feeling loved despite all kinds of limitations and imperfections.

Another thing the “inner judge” does is frighten you by creating personal horror movies for you that you are far better without. What if ______________ (insert something very bad) happens? These are unlikely to happen. Once you recognize the message, get mad at the judge and tell it to leave you alone, as you don’t want a horror movie. Naming its source as the judge is very helpful at dismissing it, perhaps even laughing at how ridiculous it is. It is good to replace it with optimism: “I expect things to go well, and I can handle whatever happens, so there is no need to worry”.

Everything from the judge is untrustworthy and needs to be dismissed, and everything from the judges makes us feel bad if we trust it.

The third harmful activity of this “judge” is to make you doubt yourself or another even when trust is appropriate. This tends to lead to anxiety and/or indecision. Helpful truths here include: I am grounded and I trust myself”; “There is no one right decision”.

A very important part of battling the judge is becoming increasingly aware of it. Its power to harm us lies to a large extent in its ability to operate without us being aware of it. It can easily make us feel bad without us having any awareness of a single negative thought.

So what do you do if you notice an unexplained symptom such as a sensation of anxiety in your body? Just notice the sensation with curiosity, with no judgement or reaction to it. Be patient. Soon you will discover what it is about, and what the negative message from the judge is.

Then, as always, dismiss it and get mad at the judge. Wonder what the truth is about the topic, and focus on the truth until it feels true in your body. Be patient and trust your body to release upset completely on its own.

Sometimes, we get the message or feeling that we are superior to others. This happens when we are judging or angry. Like feeling inferior, feeling superior also comes from the ego, which is insecure.

Feeling inferior and superior are flip sides of the same coin. We often feel superior as an unconscious defense to feeling not good enough. The truth is that we are all different, and equal. So try to catch yourself when you are judging or angry/feeling superior, and mistrust this judge also. The antidote to this is compassion and equality. Separating a person from their behavior is a big help here.

Every time you shift from feeling bad due to the judge’s lies, to feeling good due to replacing them with what is true, you are liberating yourself, and investing in a more well and vital you. This makes life more enjoyable, as well as improving your health in relationships, and generally improving your function. It is very empowering to help yourself in this way. It is exciting and something to feel proud of to see yourself transform as you travel this journey.

You might wonder where this “judge” came from. We have all been judged in the past. As a result, at an unconscious level, we protect ourselves by creating our own inner judge that is aiming to “correct” us to protect us from external judgement. The “inner judge” often shows up as an unpleasant body sensation the body remembers upset from the past.

1.  Become aware. The first step is to pay attention to how you are feeling, including paying attention to body sensations. Be curious. You are not your emotions, thoughts, or body sensations. When you calmly observe with curiosity, more insight comes to you. For example, don’t assume that tears are sadness.

2.  Accept your feelings. Don’t judge them or yourself. We don’t choose our feelings; they just arise. They are a source of information, often guiding you to what you need. If you deem your reaction as an over-reaction, remember that you are reacting to more than the present situation, and with that in mind, one is never over-reacting. Feelings just are what they are. Just like you accept “I am thirsty” as a given, so it is with “I am angry”, “I am afraid” etc. “Should” needs to be left out of the picture.

3. Discern if the emotion is trustworthy or not. If there is contraction in the body, it is not trustworthy, even if it is loud and familiar. If it is negative and based on an untrue belief, such as ”I am a bad person”, it is not trustworthy. Compassion and “clean” sadness of grieving a loss are trustworthy, as there is no false negative belief. Pleasant emotions that are based on the truth are trustworthy.

4. If the emotion is pleasant and trustworthy, enjoy it. Savoring the pleasure of it is both enjoyable and useful for re-wiring your brain in a favorable way.

5. If the emotion is unpleasant and untrustworthy, you may choose to help yourself out of it. If it is more intense, it is helpful to put the topic aside temporarily so that you can ground yourself. Ways of grounding yourself include coming into the present moment by focusing on what you are sensing or your breath instead of thinking, or reliving a pleasant memory. Once your body feels relaxed, start to wonder what is true about the topic. Include what you need to feel better, if you need to take some action or have a conversation, if appropriate. Doing this will often result in resolution of the upset.

6. If there is residual unpleasant sensation in the body, just patiently watch it with nonjudgemental curiosity and give it a chance to gradually subside on its own. You need to be NOT reacting to it in any way.

This is a simple yet powerful experience that is a great healing habit to foster. It is a healing interaction between the best part of you, which is like a perfect parent, and the wounded child consciousness in you. You alternate between what you are feeling and saying, and the effect on the child. Because the two of you share the same body, you can tell how each other is feeling. For simplicity, I will use “he” here.

Start from the best part of you: when you are calm and confident. It may be you as a parent of a young child, at work, doing a sport, or whatever. Feel how good that feels.

From there, go inside and look for your inner child when he is distressed. When you find him, notice what he looks like. Check how he is feeling. You will probably find that he is scared, feeling alone and unloveable, not good enough, and maybe that he is bad.

When you notice how he is feeling, you will find yourself feeling compassion/sadness and love for him.

Let him notice that you are now there with him, and let him notice the compassion and love in your chest for him. Tell him that you will always be there for him. Notice how that makes him feel.

Sometimes, the child is not ready to trust you. If so, let him know that you totally understand with compassion, and that you will just hang around, still feeling love and compassion for him. Tell him he gets to call the shots and go at his own pace. Imagine a lot of time passing, with the boy periodically checking on you and finding you consistently the same: understanding, compassionate, loving, and patient. Continue until the boy starts to build some trust, which then gradually grows. Notice how that feels in the boy’s body.

See what wants to happen next: a hug or some other touch, reassuring him that he is safe now, that you will protect him, that he is good enough, that he is wonderful, that he is good etc.. Check his body to find out how he is feeling and what  he needs to hear. You may want to hold each other.

Let the boy look into your present life as an adult, and his “future” life. This is often surprising to the boy, and makes him happy. Reassure the boy that the past is over, and this “present” has taken its place.

Continue interacting with the boy until all the tension has left his body, and he is feeling safe, loved, and good enough.

A great thing to do sometimes is enjoy spending time together being a wonderful parent to him: calm, present, curious, attentive, playful, affectionate, wise, helpful, encouraging, approachable, helping him with his feelings, believing in him, fair, providing guidance, giving him lots of choices, telling him that you are proud of him, delighting in him etc. Enjoy having the two of them playing, talking etc.

When it is the end of this time together, just tuck him in behind you and reassure him that you can handle life; that is not a little boy’s job. Whenever you get upset, know that your boy needs help. Your commitment to him, which you need to tell him, is at those times, you will take him out from behind you and help him again just like this time. Remember that you will need to access that best part of you in order to be able to help him.

These two parts of you fit together like a hand in a glove: the grown up has so much love for the boy and loves to help him any time, and the boy needs the love, compassion, and help.

I hope you enjoy this lovely and powerful healing experience often.