This is a simple way of preventing escalation when there is conflict in relationships. This is very important in order to protect the individuals and the relationship.
In each person is a part that is calm, grounded, reasonable, mature, and constructive. When this part is present and available in each individual, communication can go well and even difficult situations and issues can be resolved. This calm part can be empathetic, can acknowledge things and apologize, can express its feelings calmly, make requests, and offer creative solutions. This is the best part of each person, and has access to these important communication skills.
Unfortunately, inside each person is also a part that is not calm or grounded, but rather can be angry, hurt, hurtful, jealous, suspicious, spiteful ,mean, fearful, secretive, guarded and. This insecure part is referred to by some as the ego. When these parts are present, a lot of hurt can and does occur to both parties involved, and to the relationship. The dynamic can escalate to being abusive, with raised voices, hurtful things being said that are not meant, name-calling, swearing, and sometimes things get physical. Hurtful things that are said and done cannot be undone or erased from people’s memory. The best that can happen is apologies and repair. These unpleasant interactions leave each person hurt and angry, leave a bitter taste in one’s mouth, create distance in the relationship, and erode at the health of the relationship and the loving feelings in it. From this place, it then takes more effort for individuals to try to bring more closeness and repair to the relationship.
Like a garden that is overrun by weeds, a relationship that is subjected to a lot of these negative interactions has little chance to flourish and thrive. Much better to prevent all that damage and hurt to the relationship and to each of the individuals, preventing the need for repair, and allowing all three (the two individuals and the relationship) to flourish. This can be achieved with an active dynamic called disengagement.
It can be used in any relationship: marriage, partners, parent and offspring, siblings, friendships etc.
How to disengage is simple, though people can find it challenging to do, for reasons that will be discussed a bit later. People just need to be aware of when they feel that the communication is not going well, and it doesn’t feel likely that it can be put back on track. One needs to pay attention to their feelings of frustration and anger, and notice the other person’s emotional state. In other words, one is monitoring which part of them and the other is there in the room, the calm grounded part or the ungrounded part. Obviously, if one is very angry, one should not initiate a communication with the other at that time. Instead, one needs to calm down and choose how to communicate effectively.
One should calmly suggest a disengagement. This can be done in many ways. For example, one could say something like: “I am upset. It’s best if we don’t talk now.” “Idon’t feel this is going very well right now. I’d like to talk later”; “Let’s talk later about this later”; “How about we talk later?”; “I think we should disengage now”;“I feel myself getting upset-I need a time-out”. Really the ways to handle this in a non- blameful and inviting manner are many. |Another option is to not speak but rather use a Time-out hand signal (one hand held horizontally above the other held vertically) in order to avoid saying anything angrily.
It is important to not point the finger at the other and say things like “You are too angry-I can’t talk to you.” Disengaging calmly can be challenging when one is upset. If one disengages earlier rather than later before things have had a chance to deteriorate, that helps. Don’t be too hard on yourselves if at first you are not skillful in your disengagement. Disengaging at all when it’s needed is better than not disengaging. Then you can practice over time trying to do it skillfully.
Often, the individuals need some physical space to cool off. Sometimes, it is sufficient just to drop that particular topic of conversation, and switch to something that is not emotionally charged.
One key rule to be agreed up on ahead of time is that either individual can suggest disengagement, and the other person needs to go along with it, whether they agree that it’s a good idea or not, because one may perceive risk while another doesn’t, and we want to play it safe for damage control. One is not allowed to follow the other from room to room, refusing to disengage. If this
unfortunate situation does occur, the one who feels the need for disengagement should unilaterally disengage . For example, if someone is out of control and won’t stop, one can hang up or leave the house. Again, one should aim at avoiding expressions of anger during disengagement, either verbal or nonverbal.
Disengagement should not be used to avoid communicating at all about things that need to be dealt with.
You want to ACT out of CHOICE, not REACT out of anger like a robot whose button got pushed, then later regret it. This requires being calm, so it can be true choice.
In the time after disengaging, individuals should work to calm themselves, and when grounded, prepare themselves for a constructive communication about the topic by imagining being the other person, and reflecting on what one can offer by way of empathy, acknowledgement, apology, and constructive solutions. . It commonly takes a minimum of 20 minutes for people to calm down, and sometimes much longer. It is important to be honest with one’s self about whether one is truly grounded and ready to re-engage in a helpful manner or not. Also, it is important to read the other individual, and avoid suggesting re-engaging on the topic if he/she does not seem ready. It is always good to ask if the other individual is ready or needs more time. If the decision is made to re-engage, and things start to go off the rails again, it is best to disengage again, regardless of how many times this has recurred. One must remember that the upset will very likely prevent resolution, and will very likely cause damage that we want to prevent. The fastest way to resolve things is to disengage as many times as necessary and communicate only when resolution is actually possible.
Often, after disengagement and calming, what seemed so important and urgent doesn’t even feel that it needs any revisiting, being seen as minor, and knowing that the other person cares and just forgot, and, was tired, and so on. Other times, it is a topic that is important to communicate about. Sometimes it is such a difficult topic for people that they need the help of a third party to address it constructively and safely.
Disengagement is distinct from withdrawal, and it is important to differentiate between the two. Withdrawal is passive but hostile, such as when one walks off while the other is talking. It is distancing and angering, and it is very important to avoid it. Disengaging, on the other hand, is code for “I love you too much to risk hurting you, I love myself too much to risk getting hurt, and I care too much about our relationship to risk it being hurt, and I feel it’s too risky to talk now”. It is best if both parties know all about disengagement, so that one understands this and doesn’t misperceive it as withdrawal, and so either party can initiate it. However, prior agreement is not essential; if done skilfully one can use it with others who don’t know about it as well.
It is much better to end a toxic discussion as early as possible, rather than waiting until after damage has already been done. Be on the lookout for the feeling that things are not going well. People do not need to feel bad about needing to disengage. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with them or their relationship. We are all human, and we all have triggers.
Picture a vulnerable little chick who is precious and worthy of protection. This chick is each of the individuals involved and the relationship itself. There is a terrible storm, with high winds and big balls of hail, capable of really badly hurting the chick. This is the fighting, which is so hurtful and toxic.
Disengaging is putting a roof and a wall around the precious chick to protect it from the storm.
Obstacles to successful disengagement:
Sometimes one feels a sense of urgency in communicating or resolving an issue. The vast majority of the time, there IS no urgency, and one needs to remind that the sense of urgency is not trustworthy. Also, one needs to remember that the fastest way to resolve it is to disengage and talk when resolution is possible, because resolution is not possible with the ungrounded parts present. Only damage will occur.
At times, the ungrounded “ego” wants to fight and win. It might want to hurt out of its anger, or might need to prove that it’s right, or have an urgent need to defend. The important thing to remember is that because the state of the relationship affects one’s happiness, a “win” is in fact a “lose”. The only real winning will be a win-win: the kind of mutual respect that results when difficult issues are constructively addressed, and that is only possible when both parties are grounded. The problem with anger is that it can be thought of as a boomerang. You toss it out, and it turns around and hits you in the face, so you end up getting hurt. When you behave angrily at someone, you are very likely to get either anger or withdrawal back, both of which are hurtful and distancing.
Sometimes, people believe that they need to be angry and loud in order to get heard. Nothing is further from the truth. When there is a lot of anger, people often shut down or put up a wall, and are relatively unable to hear what is being said. Or they focus on how they are being spoken to, and lose the content of your message. People are far more likely to really hear you and respond favourably if you are calm, kind and respectful, and you can be assertive without being aggressive.
Though it is very simple, I have seen disengagement make a profound difference in relationships, allowing people to feel more positively and loving towards each other, feeling more connected to each other, and appearing more attractive to each other. When disengagement followed by subsequent re-engagement at a better time is first used in a relationship, people can report that they feel that the person that they are in relationship with is much more reasonable than they had thought. This is because they are now only experiencing the reasonable part while being protected from the less reasonable part. With the protection from storms, relationships have a chance to “spiral upwards”, with more healthy interactions building upon each other.
Conversely, not disengaging when it’s needed leads to a “spiralling downwards”, with negativity having a tendency to lead to more negativity.
So protect yourself, those you care about, and the relationships you’re in by doing your very best to disengage soon enough as skillfully as possible ie without anger. You will get better with practice.
These principles apply to any relationship, whether it be between romantic partners, parent and child, siblings, friends, shopper and store clerk, or strangers. Obviously, depending on the situation and how important the relationship and the outcome are to you is going to affect how you choose to handle the situation.
Many people hate conflict and therefore avoid it. Fear that making a request or reporting negative feelings might lead to a fight, they remain quiet, meanwhile suffering with feelings such as resentment, powerlessness, feeling unloved or unimportant, hurt, and sometimes hopeless. Obviously this is not ideal. Whereas one is seeking harmony, without communicating about things that need to be communicated about, one actually has “pseudoharmony” with negative, unspoken feelings between the individuals, which creates distance.
At the other pole is what the people above assume is the only other option. Out of feeling hurt and angry about unmet needs or a boundary violation, one might communicate angrily at the other. The angrier one feels, the more likely one is to feel a sense of urgency in acting, and may fire off an angry communication, whether in person or electronically. Do NOT trust this sense of urgency. The anger you shoot out is like a boomerang; it will turn around and hit you in the face, hurting you, as well as of course the relationship, and the person you don’t really want to hurt. When one is angry, one is more likely to use unhelpful words like “always” and “never”, raise their voice, attack the other person’s character and so on. Offense is a commonly used defense, and often leads to escalation: an interaction that leaves both parties hurt, angry, and distant, or one party may withdraw, with the same bad results. The outcome in either instance is that the relationship now needs repair. The person originally wanting to set a boundary or have needs met, has not succeeded in achieving any of these entirely legitimate goals.
Some people lean towards the first pole, others towards the second, and often a person will sometimes adopt the first pole and sometimes the second. There are those who rarely say anything while resentment builds inside, then the volcano erupts over a minor issue because of the buildup of pressure.
Fortunately, there is a third approach. It is by far the most likely to provide you the desired outcome of feeling heard and reaching resolution without anyone being wounded. It fosters true harmony. This third approach involves CALMLY, gently, and non-blamefully expressing YOUR feelings and needs, and politely making a request or suggesting a solution. It may be wise to preface your communication with reassurance that you are not attacking the other but just sharing your feelings. Also useful is to let them know that you trust that they care about you and the hurt was intentional, or perhaps acknowledging that they have been stressed lately etc. If appropriate, it is also good to explicitly acknowledge factors at your end. All of these measures invite their bodies to relax and help them feel safer, better enabling them to hear what you have to say. It is important to avoid long, repetitive, intense ventilating of emotions with blame or interpretation of the other’s inner world such as “you don’t care about me”. This is frequently a recipe for trouble. It is more effective to reflect ahead of time about: 1) what you feel and need 2) what you specific request is/what you want to achieve and 3) how to best express yourself succinctly. This approach will increase your chances of success. Speaking honestly from the heart and with palpable good intention can go a long way.
As the listener, it is important to receive the communication as simply information about the other, and not as blame.
If you are too angry to be able to communicate in this way, you need to take some time alone to calm down and use whatever tools you have to do so (eg see CREATING A POWERFUL INNER RESOURCE or EMOTIONAL FREEDOM TECHNIQUE article). You need to remind yourself that you are cared about, that others can’t read your mind, and that the other may have circumstantial as well as personal issues that affect their behavior, which does not mean not caring about you. You need to get yourself to a place of believing these truths in your body, not just knowing them in your head. Be sure that you are honest with yourself in slowly checking if you are feeling ready to communicate effectively. Otherwise, you may say all the right things, but that all-important tone of voice or other nonverbal cues can result in things not going well.
Be careful: you need to choose a good time to communicate. Bad times include when the other person is grumpy, tired, stressed, rushed, and so on. If it is appropriate, adding some warmth or touch to the communication often helps to calm the nervous system by reminding the person that you care about each other and are not enemies.
Even if the conditions in you are ideal and the timing seems fine, there is no guarantee that your skillful communication will be well received. If not, you can always postpone the discussion temporarily, and try again at a later time. This is much better than having a fight. (See DAMAGE CONTROL IN RELATIONSHIPS article). Knowing that disengagement is always available, and communicating in such a way as to increase the chances of success, you don’t need to remain quiet and resentful because of fear of a fight.
When individuals have had a lot of experience with communication involving negative feelings turning quickly into a fight, they are surprised and delighted to experience how well the calm skillful communication can work, especially with a calm tone of voice and without an edge.
Don’t be discouraged if you don’t get it perfectly or if you fail to experience great success immediately. Just keep practicing. It’s a skill, and you will get better at it over time.
And it’s worth it… because you are worth it and your relationships are worth it! Your needs and feelings are important. Harmony in relationships is hugely important, as it affects everybody’s well-being.
Good luck!
Do you relate to this familiar scenario?
You get into a spat with your partner, or it could be a family member, friend, or other.
The other person becomes angry and either communicates angrily, withdraws, or both.
You are angry, and maybe hurt. There is distance between the two of you, and you feel that you are owed a BIG apology. You are focused on the other person’s angry behavior, words and withdrawal. How could they be so difficult? And you didn’t deserve any of this. Right?
As long as both you and the other person stay in this place, there continues to be distance between you. Sometimes through no bad intention this painful distance can go on for hours. Or days. Or even can go on so long that you both forget why you a had a fight in the first place. Wow.
How can caring people climb out of this cold, miserable place?
What is needed is for you to step back and look at the situation more objectively rather than just from your own point of view. Look at the whole situation from the perspective of an impartial outside observer. Try to imagine what the other person’s experience might have been like. You need to be able to appreciate that both you and the other person are likely feeling very similarly. The fact that you too have been angry and you also have something to apologize for can come as a revelation, and may be hard to accept initially.
Everyone has their own experience, and each person can legitimately see how they have been egregiously wronged. But why does each of us struggle to see the other’s painful experience? How can something so obvious remain so hidden from us?
The ego can be very good at focusing on the other person’s bad behavior, feeling wronged, and feeling self-righteous anger. That self-righteous smugness can feel pretty good.
And it gets worse. Even when you start to see that it might be a good idea to apologize for anything on your part and take away the distance between the two of you, the ego can fight the idea. It can make you feel that that would be a mistake, and that you would be giving in and losing something. It can make you feel that you’re betraying yourself.
But the self-righteous smugness and the distance may not sit well with another part of you. In actuality, in bridging a gap between yourself and someone you care about, you are actually being mature and self-aware. The shift to being more objective, being able to see things more impartially and compassionately, gives you a more accurate perspective. What you will likely achieve by apologizing for your part is feeling better about yourself for being more mature and coming from a bigger part of yourself, restoring the peace and harmony between you, and perhaps even prompting an apology from the other person.
So: practice mistrusting your ego, that part of you which tends to be one-sided, feel hard done by, and prone to self-righteous anger. Practice shifting into an objective observer, calmly looking at the whole situation from the outside in order to gain the objectivity that you need to handle the situation with maturity. You will be left feeling better about yourself, as well has having more harmony in your life.
First of all, it is helpful to recognize that people are complicated and the relationship between two complicated people from two different backgrounds is going to be complicated and requires some work to stay healthy. We are not well served by the childhood fairytales or the Hollywood movies where two people fall in love and live happily ever after. Having been exposed to a lot of that, many people wrongly expect that as long as there is love, there should be no difficulties or need for work. They wrongly assume that there is something wrong with them, their partner, or their relationship if they start to experience difficulties. The Sufis, a spiritual group with a lot of wisdom, bless a newlywed couple with “May your troubles begin”, not as a curse but with a realistic knowing that trouble will arise, through which growth can occur. When there are no challenges, there is no opportunity for growth all. Overcoming challenges can strengthen the bond, increase maturity, resilience, compassion, intimacy and wisdom, amongst many other valuable personal qualities and relationship qualities.
On a cloudy stormy day, we feel neither the warmth nor the brightness of the sun, yet it is still there. Similarly, there are times of conflict with our children when we find ourselves feeling angry and not warmly towards them- yet we still love them throughout that whole time. It’s just like a cloudy day when our love, like the sun, is still there though not felt. When there has been a lot of conflict in a couple, I sometimes hear people say “I fell out of love”. I tell them that the initial “in love” feeling is not expected to last and persist all the time. Brain studies done on people while they were “in love” showed patterns similar to addictions. An enduring relationship is based on commitment to try to resolve conflict and overcome the challenges that come along, and instead of flames of passion constantly sparking, there is the enduring deep committed love and respect of the burning coals that come after and last. When there has been a lot of hurt and anger for a long time, it can be hard to access the mutual caring that is there, or remember that there is a sun behind all those clouds when the weather has been lousy for so long.
Because a relationship is a “system” with multiple parts: the two individuals, their thoughts, beliefs, feelings, actions, past and present circumstances, there are definitely times when relationships either spiral downwards (with ongoing deterioration) or spiral upwards (with ongoing improvement). This can happen quite abruptly. Because the happiness of each individual is affected by the health of the relationship, and the happiness and security of any children is also affected, it is good for each partner to be monitoring the pulse of the relationship, and doing what he/she can towards consciously starting an upwards spiral. This can include telling one’s partner what has been noticed and asking for a joint effort in spiralling upwards. With both partners sharing the same goal, it is easier to succeed.. Or one can just make efforts towards upward spiraling on one’sown.
SPIRALLING UPWARDS
There are innumerable ways of spiralling upwards: what they all have in common is promoting positive feelings and feelings of being cared about. Some examples include suggesting doing something together, offering validation of the other’s feelings and an apology if appropriate, expressing heartfelt appreciation, expressing admiration or love, offering a hug, making a favorite meal, expressing curiosity about some aspect of your partner’s life, expressing compassion, performing a task your partner has been asking you to, writing/sending little love notes, using humor, reminiscing about a special memory together…your imagination is the limit. Because you know your partner, you’re in the best position to know what he/she will appreciate and what will have special meaning for him/her.
In the meantime, refrain from getting angry, blameful, critical, discussing your partner’s faults, putting your partner down, being less respectful, withdrawing, being cold, resentful, or hopeless. “Venting” a lot of negative emotion is not too constructive. These are the types of interactions that tend to result in a downward spiral.
Instead, if you have a request or preference, by all means calmly and respectfully express it so that your partner can respond to it. This, too, is an important part of a couple’s life, to prevent resentment from unaddressed unmet needs and hurts. One problematic pattern that some people have is to avoid saying anything repeatedly despite getting more and more upset, then blowing up, sometimes over something more trivial. The pressure was building up inside, ready to explode.
The key is to express yourself calmly and respectfully, feeling that you are giving your loving partner information, rather than feeling that you are facing your enemy who wants to hurt you. The communication should be a concise, non-blameful, inarguable truth. Both parties need to see the communication as INFORMATION. It is good to share feelings, make requests, and suggest solutions. It is good to have a balanced approach where it is appropriate. It is NOT good to just ventilate, exaggerate, use “always” or “never”, or engage in character assassination.
People who love each other do hurt each other. It is inevitable. This is also true of parents who love their children. It is very helpful to trust that the hurt is not because you are not loveable enough or that your partner does not love you enough or is wanting intentionally to hurt you. Instead the hurt is because both we and our partners have emotional,issues (we are grown-ups with a child consciousness inside sometimes), that there are circular dynamics that keep themselves alive between the individuals’ issues, as well as different cultural influences, circumstances, and misunderstandings. This is good news to trust, because it is reassuring, and healing is possible.
Within every relationship or family are systems, or dynamics. These systems or dynamics are important to understand if you want to achieve healthy relationships and healthy families. If one moves just one part of a hanging mobile with 14 parts, the other 13 will automatically move, as they are all connected. The same is true of relationships and families: when one individual changes, it affects the other individuals, who change as a result.
As human beings, and all of us with egos, we tend to be much more aware of other people’s negative behavior and our own resultant negative feelings, than to be aware of our own negative behavior and others’ negative feelings. This tends to result in feelings of blame, anger, and hurt, often feeling like a helpless victim, and not taking enough responsibility for one’s part.
Yet the two are intimately interlinked in a constant cycle that has a life of its own and keeps itself going. This is often referred to as a “vicious cycle”, as it has no beginning and no end, and its effects are often very destructive. The more A does a certain behavior, the more it invites B to feel some feelings, which lead to a behavior that invites A to feel the negative feelings that lead to A’s typical behavior. These cycles have typically been in place for a long time, and like a ring, are self-sustaining. Accusations about “who started it” are actually irrelevant and immature, coming from the insecure ego.
Identifying the vicious cycles is very helpful. because it helps people realize that it’s the cycle that is their joint enemy, not each other. It allows both in a relationship to “be on the same team” to fight against the cycle and to reclaim more health in the relationship. It leads to the ability to identify what types of alternate behavior can help create a preferable, healthier cycle. It brings more understanding and compassion of the other person, diffuses the upset and feeling victimized, and allows each to become more self-aware of their feelings and behavior. The outcome is allowing each to take more ownership of their part, and be more validating, acknowledging, and apologetic towards the other. As this happens, people are growing personally, and maturing, as is the relationship.
Sometimes, people realize that they are in the same boat, helping them to relate more to each other. All of the above is obviously very healing to relationships.
Now I will describe some of the common “vicious cycles” that occur in relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. Basically, whenever there is trouble, if you look for these cycles, you will find them. Very often, there is more than one vicious cycle operating in a relationship.
A common dynamic is the withdrawal/withdrawal cycle, where each individual is afraid of rejection. The other’s withdrawal aggravates the fear, and invites them to also withdraw. Each is wanting more connection, and may be feeling hurt/angry/ or even hopeless depending on duration, but too afraid to risk the rejection that is expected. Identifying the above can help the individuals feel reassured, so they can each initiate friendly engagement.
Another one is the mutual blame and criticism cycle. Each individual is left feeling blamed/at fault and not good enough. This leads to defensiveness and shifting the blame. The healthy reverse of this cycle is each individual acknowledging his/her end, apologizing, refraining from blameful totalizing statements (e g. “You always” or “You never”), sharing feelings with “I” statements, and giving praise and gratitude.
Here are some cycles where the individuals are not in the same boat:
Both individuals can be part of a “folie a deux”, where they both believe, for example, that problems largely arise from her issues/illness. He telling her that invites her into believing it and taking the responsibility, often with guilt and shame. She feeling this and acting
out of it feeds the cycle by confirming his stance. This is particularly common when one partner is on medication for e.g. depression, anxiety, etc. The truth is the other partner is still human with issues, and the dynamics are important to identify and reverse.
Hostile pursuit/withdrawal is when individual A responds to individual B’s withdrawal by feeling rejected and angry, and pursues connection with B with some hostility, inviting B to withdraw, though he/she also wants connection. Again, the solution here being aware of the above, and replacing it with friendly approach on both their parts.
Sometimes individual A is over-responsible and individual B is under-responsible. As in all the other cases, usually these individuals have had these traits prior to the relationship, then the dynamics in the relationship accentuate them. In this case, the more A is over-responsible, the more B is invited to be under-responsible, as A is already doing such a good job of taking responsibility for most things. The more B is under-responsible, the more A is invited into being over-responsible, as “somebody has to do it”. A doesn’t usually trust that B will do things, and A often needs things done their way. A tends to feel resentful, stressed, and tired, while B tends to feel the brunt of A’s resentment and feelings of inadequacy. The solution is for A to do some backing off, B to be expected to do more, with consequences for undone things, and A accepting B doing it their way as along as it meets a reasonable standard. B offers to do more. A believes in B’s ability, and gives gratitude. Depending on the degree of imbalance, the shift is likely to need to be gradual. All of these changes are obviously facilitated by both individuals understanding the cycle and the effect it’s having on each of them and the relationship.
Any significant imbalance in a relationship causes trouble, even if the system is “stable” i.e. each partner being used to it, accepting of it or resigned to it. For example if there is a significant power imbalance, with partner A making most of the important decisions and getting his/her way and partner B going along with it, partner B will tend to feel less important and powerless, either consciously or unconsciously, and may become depressed and/or resentful. This could start quite innocently with partner A being much more confident and partner B being indecisive. So partner B would ask A’s opinion. Or B can go along with things for fear of conflict.
When the dynamic is understood and the imbalance corrected, you have two happier individuals and a healthier relationship.
Vicious cycles can be thought of as a painful dance where each person is getting their toes stepped on. By realizing how the dance is not working, and altering it to an enjoyable dance that doesn’t result in any bleeding toes, better feelings about one’s self and the other can be enjoyed.
The great news is, vicious cycles can often be broken and important relationships can be healed.
Sometimes the sun is shining, and you can experience its brightness and warmth. Other times, it is stormy and the clouds are thick and low, with rain or snow falling. Sometimes, the cloudy periods are prolonged. When the sky is cloudy, there is no brightness or warmth from the sun. But it is still there, behind the clouds.
In relationships where two people love each other, there can be anger sometimes. At times, there is a lot of anger, and sometimes it can be prolonged. At such times, we can question whether there is love, or believe that there isn’t, because we’re not feeling it. But just as surely as the sun is still there on a cloudy day though we do not feel its brightness or warmth, the love, or caring, is also still there at times of conflict, even though we do not feel it.
For example, when a parent is angry at a child, the child is not at that moment experiencing the warmth, affection, or nurturing of love from the parent. However, the parent never stops loving the child.
Even when there has been prolonged anger, often love can be experienced with a change in the conditions. For example, the object of our anger becoming ill can bring out feelings that we had forgotten were there. Likewise, receiving a heartfelt apology and feeling forgiveness can definitely change things for the better.
Anger is a normal part of loving relationships. It occurs because we are all human and have issues and triggers, and there are always dynamics between people’s issues.
When one truly don’t care, one tends to feel indifference rather than anger. When there is a lot of anger between a couple in a session, I will sometimes comment on how much they evidently care.
So think of the sun on a cloudy day, and remember that the anger and conflict is because of issues, not a lack of love. The love, just like the sun, is still there, though hidden. Type your paragraph here.
It can often be challenging parenting. You want to be effective in influencing your children’s behaviour in a way that is good for them and for you. You want them to grow up to be mature responsible adults. You don’t want to unintentionally hurt them with your anger, and you don’t want to put up with unacceptable behaviour.
Below is a very simple method that works. It has been researched and found to be very effective, even with teens in a juvenile delinquent center, some of whom were on medication. So with younger or less difficult behaviour, you can expect even better results.
It is based on the very simple concept of building your children’s self-esteem by giving them lots of positive energy, and using consequences delivered without anger or long lectures for negative behaviour, as well as rewards for positive behaviour. I am definitely not promoting video games, but think of how a video game treats a child: constant encouragement and cheerleading music and rewards etc. , but then when he messes up, it’s “game over”, without any anger, lectures, or second chances. The child feels fairly treated, his self-esteem is not harmed, and the game is liked. With this simple method of parenting, the child only gets positive or neutral (which is positive) attention without the anger, causing an improvement in his/her self-esteem. This has a positive effect on behaviour. And the consequences also improve behaviour. Parents often get angry because they feel powerless over changing their children’s behaviour eg having them do their chores. It is important to choose rewards and consequences that are expected to work, and it is good to involve the child in the decision of what rewards and consequences there will be. It is best, but not always essential, if they are set ahead of time; then there are no surprises when they are administered. It is also good to keep things simple; too elaborate or cumbersome a system is less likely to continue to be consistently used over time. Trying to have the consequences make some sense is a good idea, but again is not essential. For example, an undone chore that the mother then had to do can be compensated for by the child having to do another chore that is normally the mother’s. An older child who has ruined something because of misuse may have to replace it, and so forth.
This method is useful with very young children right through to adult children. In fact, because as humans we have a tendency to often give negative energy to the negative, and take the positive for granted, it is a good way to approach ourselves, and our other relationships, looking for things to acknowledge, appreciate, be grateful for, and be proud of. As with the children, it is important to be specific and genuine. Initially, it takes concerted effort to be constantly looking for positive things to comment on or, in the case of one’s self, think about. After a while, it becomes a new way of being that feels good for you and those around you. When something negative is decreasing, this is something worthy of and useful to acknowledge and appreciate, because it is a positive change. Doing so will help things to continue to improve. This is called shaping.
I recommend the book “Transforming the Difficult Child” by Howard Glasser, where he describes the method in much more detail. I do not like the title, and recommend that you cover the book covers to protect your child from it. However, the book itself is excellent. It is very easy to read, and he gives a lot of real-life examples. He also talks about the research findings using this approach.
Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself, the other, and the relationship, even if you choose to not continue to remain in contact. The one who benefits the most is actually the one who forgives.
Forgiveness is means letting go of the anger, resentment, or grudge held against another/others. It is not a simple on/off phenomenon, but can be a process of letting go of the anger over time. One can feel total forgiveness in one moment, then find oneself subsequently feeling anger towards the person. That is okay.
I have discovered that some people have misconceptions about forgiveness that can get in the way of their ability to forgive:
-One of these is the idea that you have to forgive and forget. You cannot actually choose to forget, nor do you need to.
-Another is the idea that forgiving somehow condones the behavior. It ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT. One must separate the person from the behavior. That way one can see a behavior as totally unacceptable, and let go of the anger towards the offender, realizing that he/she was coming from a bad place of feeling ungrounded/unstable/affected by difficult circumstances etc. You yourself can think of times that you have unintentially hurt others because of your feelings, underlying issues, the dynamics in the relationship, the circumstances and so on.
Feeling that forgiveness would leave one vulnerable to getting hurt again would understandably hinder someone from forgiving. Fortunately, letting go of anger is completely separate from having good boundaries. You can forgive someone, and choose to have no contact. This decision is not because you are holding on to anger, but perhaps because you don’t enjoy associating with the other person. Perhaps you feel that that person is incapable of treating you the way you deserve to be treated, you find them too negative to be around, and so on. Letting go of the anger toward someone is simply that and nothing else. It does not mean you have to have any certain type of relationship with the person, it does NOT mean that you condone the hurtful behavior, it does not mean that you should leave yourself vulnerable to be hurt, nor does it mean that you now trust the person to not re-offend.
When one forgives, the one who benefits the most is the forgiver, as he/she no longer has to feel the toxic anger in the body, having it replaced with calmness.
Forgiveness is not something to be forced when one is not ready for it. Wherever you are in your process is okay. It is something that can be facilitated with intention, however, going through some steps that usually lead to it.
Obviously, it is easier to forgive if one has received a sincere apology (see “A GOOD Apology”). If the one that hurt you is deceased or incapable of giving a GOOD apology, you can still receive one by experiencing what their soul/core/unwounded best part of them would say i.e. a GOOD apology, and trust that it is real because it IS what that part of them would say and feel.
Part of what facilitates forgiveness is trusting that the offender did not intentionally mean to hurt you, and that they are sorry because they care about you.
This is especially important when people are angry with a parent. As they forgive the parent and trust that they are/were loved by the parent, it allows them to feel that they are loveable, which is, of course, crucially important for their own sense of well-being and their relationships.
THE DIVINE PERSPECTIVE
For me, as well as many others, the divine, unlike humans, cannot get hurt or feel threatened. Therefore, it cannot get angry, and so has no need to forgive. Instead, it has complete understanding of why a person behaved badly, and feels only compassion, and no judgment, towards the person. This is true even when the person does not understand their behavior, is judging himself, is in denial, or does not even recall the behavior. The divine has no difficulty in separating the person from the behavior, seeing the person as OK and the behaviour as not OK. This is what allows us to feel completely safe with the Divine. Otherwise, it would not be possible to feel completely safe.
In summary, forgiveness is a very useful concept for us humans, because then we are less likely to judge ourselves and others. Therefore it is common for people to expect that the Divine is also judging them along with their own self-judgement, and that they need forgiveness from the Divine. What each of us really needs is to forgive ourselves.
Sometimes, depending on the circumstances, a simple “I am sorry” is sufficient, or even all that is appropriate. However, in a close relationship when the wounding is more significant or ongoing, or the offended one is very upset, simply saying “I am sorry” can feel like sweeping the matter under the carpet, quickly getting it over with and wanting to move on, when the upset person is needing more to feel better.
What is needed is what we’ll call a GOOD or complete apology, including:
1. Acknowledgement of what you did or didn’t do.
e.g. “ I raised my voice.”, “I did not call you like I said I would.”,” I said “. . . .”which was mean.”, etc.
2. Validation and empathy of the other person’s feelings as you perceive them.
e.g. “I imagine that might have made you feel hurt, disrespected, unimportant, unloved, blamed, etc. Is that correct?” and then listen to him or her share their feelings.
3. Apology
e.g.: “I am sorry for action or inaction, because I care about you and would never want you to feel that way/ you and your feeling are important to me or It makes me sad to know that I have hurt you” etc.
4. Addressing the future.
e.g. “ I’ll make sure that it never happens again”, or “I’ll do my best to do better in the future”, or “How can I make it up to you?” Best of all, come up with a plan to prevent the hurtful behavior, or commit to reflecting on how to come up with a strategy and sharing it with the one who was wounded.
Here is an example: I was late getting home and late for dinner. (acknowledgement) I imagine that might have made you feel hurt since it is our anniversary. I am sorry I wasn’t able to get things better organized at work to prevent this because the anniversary is very important to me and it makes me sad to know it must have hurt you. (apology, validation and empathy) I plan to focus on a work plan so I don’t have to stay late like this again. (addressing the future)
This type of complete apology usually leaves the wounded person feeling understood, validated, empathized with, cared about, and with a commitment to be protected from similar wounding. It also makes the wounded person respect the other for acknowledging and holding him/herself accountable for his/her behavior. Obviously, this is very healing for the wounded person, and for the relationship. Often, it also makes the apologizing person feel a lot better to apologize, because the behavior does not fit with their intentions and the best of who they are. Also, they care about the other’s feelings and want to help heal them, and make things right.
You can definitely include that you did not intend to hurt the other. Also, it is fine to explain what was going on for you that resulted in the wounding behavior, but it is very important that this FOLLOW the above apology, with a pause in between. This is because the wounded person needs the healing of the above apology first, then they are more likely to be interested in why, rather than seeing it as defensiveness when their emotional needs have not been met.
Saying “I am sorry" is simply saying that I care that you got hurt. It is NOT saying that you are a bad person, and it is not necessarily saying that you behaved badly. When you have behaved in a potentially hurtful way, you should acknowledge that. But sometimes it is just a misunderstanding, or something like being late because an accident delayed traffic, and you are just expressing that you care that the other person was affected. Even if the person’s hardships had nothing remotely to do with you, you can say, “I’m sorry that you had to go through that” as a way of showing that you care. Realizing that makes it easier to say “I am sorry”, which is often a phrase yearned for and not heard enough..
We have all been hurt in relationships, whether it be with our parents, siblings, friends or romantic partners. Understandably, we have each, at times, been left feeling unloved.
Whereas the other’s action, or lack of action, was indeed hurtful or even unacceptable, the real cause for their behavior was not that they did not care, as it may have seemed. The reason for their behavior can better be seen in relation to their own issues and also to the circumstances – the things that influence the space between two people. Relatedly, dynamics in the relationship, in other words the dance between their issues and yours, can definitely be a factor.
For example, a husband can love his wife very much yet forget their anniversary because of being highly stressed and preoccupied at work. A partner or parent may be emotionally unavailable because he/she doesn’t know how to be better engaged. A person with depression may not get something done that his partner has asked for, and may be less interested in sex, not due to lack of love, but due to the depression. When a parent is repeatedly angry at a child, it is natural for the child to feel unloved, but the problem may be the parent feeling stressed and not coping well, not lack of love for the child.
It is a very important truth to work with that it was not lack of love, because it is good news. It feels much better to feel loved rather than feeling unloved. It helps us feel the truth that we are loveable and deserve good treatment. Just because we got bad treatment does not mean that we deserve it.
People behave badly because of feeling badly. Their behavior says something about them at that time. Recognizing a separation between someone’s behavior and our own self worth allows us to be much less upset. This stance encourages us to get unstuck from the past and move on. It makes it easier to forgive, and to repair. Sometimes, depending on the circumstances, we legitimately should not trust the other person enough and may need to maintain varying amounts of distance. But with this important truth, we are no longer taking the other person’s behavior personally. It seems very personal, but it isn’t.
Whereas love is necessary and awesome, unfortunately it is not sufficient by itself to make for a healthy-enough relationship where two people can be happy enough.
Beyond love, another thing that a relationship needs in order to work, is trust. When trust is betrayed, as it sometimes is in relationships, it needs to be repaired and rebuilt. If there is no hope for rebuilt trust, all the love in the world isn’t going to make up for the essential trust that is needed.
Being able to communicate effectively is another thing that a relationship needs. To be able to listen, understand, validate, empathize, and apologize are very helpful skills in a relationship, as are being able to express oneself calmly without blame.
Sometimes people find themselves very unhappy in an unhealthy relationship but feel compelled to stay in it because “we love each other”. As well as the love, there needs to be some realistic hope that things can get better with working on it. Unfortunately, two people can love each other a lot and yet both be miserable together.
There is no relationship, from very dysfunctional to very healthy, that is all good or all bad. There is always some good, and there is always some bad. Therefore, being able to identify some good is not a good reason to stay in a relationship that is mostly bad, a relationship where there is no realistic hope of things becoming “good enough”. Everybody deserves “more than crumbs”.
Because ending a relationship is a big decision, it should not be made impulsively from a place of anger. Rather, from a calm place, one needs to reflect on the relationship from a distance and with objectivity, to determine if there is realistic hope for things to improve enough, what is needed, and if one has energy to invest on working on it. This process needs to be repeated over some time; in other words one needs to “sleep on it”.
Some people have trouble ending a relationship because of fear of being on their own. They often equate being single with being unloveable/unloved. This is completely untrue. You are loveable, loved, and good enough whether you are in a romantic relationship or not. You are whole and complete whether you are in a romantic relationship or not.
Sometimes people stay in a relationship even though they don’t want to stay in it. It may be because of feeling guilty to leave, or fear of hurting the other person. These, too, are not good reasons for staying in a relationship. Staying for the wrong reasons can result in more hurt down the road. You wouldn’t leave a relationship in order to hurt someone. You would only be going separate ways because you don’t believe you can be happy in that relationship. Feeling that way does not make you a bad person. You can communicate in a kind and loving way. The involvement of pain and sadness does not make a decision a wrong one. Sometimes, a person doesn’t want to end a relationship unless the partner agrees with him/her. The partner may be in a different place. It is OK to agree to disagree. Again, you are not a bad person to feel the way you do. It is OK for it to be a unilateral decision.
Long term relationships are always challenging at some time. One needs a sense of commitment to work through the challenges and difficulties that come along. As long as there is hope for improvement, it is great to keep working on improving a relationship. It is an ongoing journey.
Trouble in relationships is a frequent contributor to people’s unhappiness. Also, trouble in a marriage often negatively affects kids’ wellbeing. Because your happiness is important, it is worth working on your relationships rather than just letting problems remain unresolved.
Not attending to your relationship on a regular basis is like never doing any maintenance on your car. It’s not surprising to find either the car or the relationshipone no longer working down the road. Real relationships are not like those portrayed in Hollywood or fairy tales, where love is enough and they live happily ever after. Real relationships are challenging and need ongoing work. There is a Sufi blessing at weddings that goes: “May your troubles begin”. This is not a curse, but rather an acknowledgement of reality, with an understanding that with overcoming those troubles, the newlyweds will grow, as will their relationship.
Here are some ways of working on your relationship: Work on giving your partner what you are needing. Chances are that your partner is also needing the same things. And you’ll find yourself getting those things yourself. Try to be generous of spirit, and do or say loving things. Express appreciation, even for little things. Try your best to live by the Golden Rule: treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. It isAlso very helpful tois calmly communicateing your feelings, needs, and requests calmly.
These recommendations are all applicable to other kind of relationships as well. Obviously help from a professional is also available. Professionals are all people and none is the same as another. SThey are not all the same, so if one wasn’t a good fit for you, another one could be.
Contrary to what one might wish, problems do not tend to spontaneously disappear. Instead, a gulf between two people can grow as unaddressed problems accumulate. You don’t want to let that happen to you and your relationships. Fortunately there is a great deal you can do to make things much better for you, the other person, and the space between the two of you.
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