My Blog

I OFFERED A PRAYER TO GOD

I asked for strength.
God gave me difficulties to make me
strong.

I asked for wisdom.
God gave me problems to solve.

I asked for prosperity.
God gave me brawn and brain to
work.

I asked for courage.
God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for patience.
God placed me in situations where I
was forced to wait.

I asked for love.
God gave me troubled people to help.

I asked for favors.
God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted.
I received everything I needed.

Today is the last day of your
life........so far.

Imagine with me a purely hypothetical situation in which your life is characterized by lying in a hammock on a beach without a care in the world, with the temperature and breeze just right, and your drink automatically refilling itself. If your whole life was characterized by moments such as these, would you develop courage? Compassion? Wisdom? Strength? Perseverance? The ability to trust? To forgive? To have faith?

It would be impossible to develop any of the character traits that we value so much if life was totally free of challenges.

At a school Rememberance Day assembly many years ago, I was very moved by a song that alluded to rain as being God’s tears (Please substitute whatever term works for you-for simplicity’s sake I will use “God” here.)  I believe that God loves each of us so much that He cares about every single tear and sliver. And even though He has so much compassion for every bit of pain we have, He cares even more about our character development – just like we as parents care a lot about our children’s pain, but care MORE about their character development.

Life on earth is a bittersweet experience, full of beauty, love, and wonderful experiences, and also with its share of pain and losses of various kinds. Some of the wonderful experiences are the insights that life teaches us as we come across challenges to handle.

If you can trust that everything happens for a reason, including negative experiences, it will make your total amount of suffering less:  you will be trusting that you are loved and that there is meaning. This is what Victor Frankl used to maintain his sense of hope and integrity at Auschwitz Concentration Camp. After he was released, he wrote of his experiences there and of the “logotherapy”, or therapy based on making meaning, that he subsequently developed in his best-selling book “Man’s Search For Meaning”. This book sold over 50 million copies! This is in contrast to thinking that you are experiencing meaningless suffering, or are perhaps being punished.

The famous phrase “No doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should” comes from the ancient poem Desiderata that was written in Sanskrit thousands of years ago. It is a frequent source of comfort for many. On a similar vein, I love the poetry of a phrase I read in one of Eckhart Tolle’s books: ”Every snowflake lands where it is supposed to”. Living with this trust in life makes it much easier to accept the things that we do not like. Believing that “every cloud has a silver lining”, one can live with developing the habit of looking for these silver linings, though they may not become apparent til much later, and sometimes not at all.

After all, we tend to find what we look for, whether it’s silver linings, or proof that one is a victim. You can choose. Which do you think will serve you better?

On a recent trip to Australia, we were walking through the bush, as they call it, when we noticed many trees that were black from fire yet looked healthy beyond words, with shoots bursting out of almost every branch.  Inquiring about this, we learned that they were eucalyptus, or gum, trees, which are known to thrive after being burned by fire. In fact, it is an important part of their life cycle. Eucalyptus trees grow in a near desert- like ecosystem which is razed by fire every few years. They have not only adapted; they have dominated this ecosystem.

This led me to reflect on post-traumatic growth in people:  how the journey of healing from trauma can involve  powerful positive changes.  In psychology, trauma can be broadly defined as anything that causes upset.  Most people have heard of post-traumatic stress syndrome, or PTSD.  A less familiar term that has been more recently coined is “post-traumatic growth”.   Post-traumatic growth can happen instead of, after, or during post-traumatic stress.

Post -traumatic growth is differentiated from resilience, which refers to recovery and return to baseline.  With post-traumatic growth, there are significant and valuable positive changes in a person which occur because of the trauma and result in healing from it.

Many people who have had awful trauma, for example a bad car accident, a near death experience, a serious illness, or being close to someone with one of these life changing experiences, describe a vivid appreciation of life. They report that they are less likely to take simple things for granted.  What a valuable gift!

Another common experience such individuals describe is noticing a change in their sense of priorities.  They can be better able to see the big picture, and discern between what is important, and what isn’t.  They may notice that they are no longer upset by the little things that used to upset them.  They can become better able to handle adversity.  These are also obviously very valuable changes.

As a result of trauma and healing from it, people can gain in self-awareness and self-acceptance, both invaluable.  The struggle with meaning-making that is part of the journey is often very fruitful, often  with greater spiritual development.  The journey of healing from trauma has been described as transformative.

Often, there is recognition of new possibilities or paths for one’s life.  This may involve a sense of purpose with a drive to help others.

On the bumpy journey in the aftermath of trauma, people can develop increased closeness or intimacy in their relationships.  This can be a rich gift that gives life more enjoyment and meaning!

Another common sequela after trauma is an increased sense of personal strength.  This is a powerful sense to live life by, as opposed to the opposite, which is feeling vulnerable.

As people heal from trauma they may develop more compassion for themselves and others.  Compassion is a lovely  energy that is healing to ourselves and others, and fundamentally helps make the world a better place.

Both trauma and post-traumatic stress can be miserable.  So it’s important to recognize that the journey potentially involves invaluable changes, and that the suffering is not meaningless, even though it sometimes feels that way. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

We all hear so much about giving thanks, and what a great idea it is. But really, does it make a big difference?

You bet it does!

Whether things are going very well or very poorly in life, anyone can find something to be grateful for. Regardless of the circumstances, feeling grateful will help you when you’re feeling discouraged. Giving thanks will really enhance the good feelings when you’re in a positive frame of mind.

Some people experience much gratitude than others.  But wait for it – research has shown that those who experience more gratitude do way better both emotionally and physically.

So what should one do with this information? Well, look for things to be grateful for.  Even in the face of something quite difficult, one can find things to be grateful for. It’s all about that “silver lining”.  For example, someone in the hospital can be grateful for a nurse’s kindness, good medical care, or someone’s visit.  Someone stuck on a delayed airplane can feel grateful for the rich conversation he had with a fellow passenger.  Someone grieving the death of a loved one after a prolonged illness will be comforted to know that their loved one is no longer suffering. Someone experiencing interpersonal conflict can be grateful for the personal growth it is leading to: becoming more tolerant of differences, more assertive, or more forgiving.  There are so many inspiring stories of people facing huge hardships who were able to look at the positive things and feel gratitude for them.  One of these is Victor Frankl, who describes his experiences in a concentration camp in his book, “Man’s Search For Meaning”. It sold over 50 million copies. I highly recommend it!

There are so many things that we tend to take for granted that we can genuinely feel grateful for.  These include health, family, friends, pets, work, nature, art (including music, movies, books etc.), food, comforts, challenges, our bodies, personal growth, and even life itself.

Gratitude tends to go along with a belief that you are loved and deserving, and that the Universe is benevolent.  These are healthy and adaptive beliefs.

When you share with others what you are thankful for, you invite them into gratitude too. What an awesome way to get closer to those you love.

Over time, as you practice noticing things you can be grateful for, it becomes a natural habit, and an incredibly healthy one that makes you happier.  And over time, it can become an even stronger habit!  

THE STORY OF THE CHINESE FARMER

One day, a wise Chinese farmer lost his favorite horse to a  herd of wild horses.  When he shared this news with the villagers that evening, there was much dismay, people saying “Isn’t that terrible?” etc.  The wise man simply replied “Maybe yes, maybe no.”

About 10 days later, he discovered that the horse had returned.  Upon hearing this, the empathetic villagers cheered and said things like “Isn’t that wonderful?”, to which he again replied “Maybe yes, maybe no.”

A few days after that, the man’s 19 yr old son was out riding this horse.  The horse got spooked by a barking dog and bucked, throwing off the rider, who broke his leg in the fall.  When the villagers heard of this, they again  exclaimed “What a shame!” etc.  The father said his usual “Maybe yes, maybe no”.

A couple of weeks later, war broke out in the land.  All the healthy young men were required to go fight, but the man’s son did not have to go to war and risk losing his life, because he had a broken leg.

This story displays how we as humans are often quick to see things simply and judge things as good or bad.  However,  life is so complex, and over time we can often see the good that came out of the bad, and vice versa.  It helps us navigate life when we appreciate the complex aspects of events, and see the broad picture over time rather than the narrow focus of this day.  With our egos, we tend to feel certain that we know what is best for us, and get our hopes dashed when it doesn’t come to pass.  It is much easier on us if we can humbly acknowledge that we don’t really know what’s best for us, and trust life, which helps us with acceptance.  Often the good that comes out of a very challenging time is the personal growth that one realizes afterward has taken place as a result.  Despite this, we should, of course, continue to show empathy and celebrate with each other, as the kind villagers in the story did.  It is just very helpful to be mindful of the big picture. 

 You may have heard the popular Prayer of Serenity:

God grant me the courage to change the things that I can,

The serenity to accept the things that I cannot,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Here we will be expounding on it.

Often, due to past experiences, people can have a tendency to feel powerless and hopeless, feeling that there is nothing they can do about a situation, when in fact they may be able to at least attempt to effect a desired change.  Certainly, when one doesn’t try, the chance of success is zero.  When one tries, success still may not be achieved, but at least some positive change may be possible.  For example, if we’re talking about a spouse’s behaviour, whereas it is true that anybody else’s behaviour is beyond our control, that does not mean that we cannot possible have any influence on it.  By communicating calmly and effectively about your feelings and needs and having healthy boundaries (rather than remaining silent and resentful or blowing up), you are most likely to get positive change.  Or if you want to ask a girl out or get into a field of studies, it won’t happen if you don’t go for it.  Having felt powerless in the past does not mean that you are weak or incapable.  Empowerment is feeling the truth in the present that you are important, capable, strong, and determined to do your best in a situation that matters to you.

There are other things, however, that we truly cannot change and are a fact that is entirely beyond our control.  This includes many things such as the weather,having broken your leg, missed the bus, being diagnosed with cancer and so forth.  We can never fight against reality and win.  Reality will win 100% of the time.  What is is.  Obviously, minor things are easier to accept than major things.  Keep in mind that accepting something does not mean liking it or condoning it.  It simply means acknowledging that that is the way it is, and that you cannot change it, therefore you choose to not fight the losing battle, but instead choose to have the peace of accepting it.  You can still be wishing it was different.  All you’re really doing is giving up the losing battle.  Fighting it only robs you of your peace, and can delay moving on to looking at how to best handle the situation.  For example, once a person has accepted being out of a job, he can turn his attention to once again earning an income or pursuing wrongful dismissal, or whatever.  The more major the loss, the longer the process can be to reach acceptance.  The sooner a person is able to accept a situation, the better off they are, for the peace that it brings them, as well as the ability to move on and focus on how to best constructively take any action.  For example, one can accept a diagnosis they wish they didn’t have, and then go ahead with treating it as effectively as possible.   One can make a conscious decision to accept something, knowing it is beyond their control, and wishing the peace that acceptance brings.  It is much easier to accept things when one does not take things personally.  For example, if one does not feel like a victim or “cursed”, and realizes that he is worthy and that bad things happen to everybody, acceptance is easier.  Also, if one realizes that he lost his job because of the economic climate, and not because he was unappreciated, not good enough, or hated, acceptance is much easier.  Like forgiveness, acceptance isn’t necessarily an all or none phenomenon; people can struggle with fluctuating levels of it, and may need to keep choosing acceptance repeatedly.

So when you’re faced with a situation that isn’t something that has already occurred, don’t assume there is nothing you can do, but wonder if you might be able to effect some change even if there is no guaranteed success.  Invite yourself into a state of empowerment and handle the situation from there.  If, on the other hand, something is a reality that cannot be changed, invite yourself into acceptance as soon as you are able, as you will appreciate the peace that comes with it. 

Actions speak louder than words. But make no mistake: why we do something is almost

as important as what we do. Figuring out what motivates you is worthwhile. But you may

need to dig a bit to really figure out the why behind a decision to act. Some things that

motivate are healthy and others are not. If, upon reflection, you discover that what is

motivating you is not so healthy, you might want to re-consider your decision before you

actually act on it.

When there is something literally dangerous, being frightened of it is a trustworthy

motivating factor. With very few other exceptions, as a general rule, negative motivating

factors are often not so healthy, whereas positive reasons are often healthy motivators.

When you are motivated by compassion, love, or a selfless desire to help, it’s healthy.

There are likewise many examples of negative and thus less healthy motivators, such as:

acting out of a need to feel a sense of worth, a fear of judgement, a need to avoid feeling

guilty, a need to impress others, or even a need to prove something to oneself. Generally,

desire is healthy whereas need is less so. Unless we take the time to really ask ourselves

very honestly about all our motivators, we may very well stay unaware of the negative

ones, as they tend to want to remain unconscious.

I was excited to discover this part of myself many years ago. Prior to the discovery of my

need to help others, I had had no idea of its existence. Unearthing it has led to valuable

personal growth. I came to feel more inherently worthwhile and loveable without having

to help in order to earn my worth. I came to realize that helping can sometimes

inadvertently be disempowering to someone who might grow by having to figure out

something himself. This led to becoming more aware of others and where they were. If I

am unsure, I am now more likely to offer help, rather than assume that someone wants it.

My reality today is having a choice, rather than automatically helping as a knee-jerk

reaction. I am also now more comfortable in situations where I cannot help, or where it

would not be a good idea to help.

In the real world, there is often a mixture of positive and negative motivators co-existing.

One does not need to have purely positive motivators in order to feel good about a

decision. After all, we are all human. But it is good to be aware of how we are

operating. Sometimes we discover that the motivators are primarily negative, which

comes as a very useful insight which can cause us to question a decision to act. It

certainly helps us understand ourselves better, and can propel us towards some healing

change.

When there is a mixture of positive and negative motivators, it is useful to see the healthy

component, such as compassion for example, as purely positive. Because even if a

helpful person’s helpfulness is partly driven by a need to help, their genuine pure

compassion that is also driving them is worthy of recognition and honoring. And

similarly it is useful to see the negative component, such as wanting to look good in front

of others for example, as negative. Hence we have parts that are white that we want to

honor and nurture, and parts that are black, that we want to become aware of, watch out

for, and heal, rather than being grey. In other words, the co-existence of a black aspect

does not make the white any less white. Nor does the purity of the white make the black

any less black. Notice what it’s like to see yourself and others in this light.

Many positive actions and personality traits can have negative motivators or negative

aspects coexisting with the positive. For example, big achievements can lead to healthy

self esteem and pride. However at times big achievements are also partly driven by an

insecure part that has a need to prove something. Selflessness and generosity can come

from a big heart, or feelings of decreased worth, or both. Martyrdom can be spurred on

by love, or by being stuck in a victim role. Self-confidence itself is great, but sometimes

one can find along with it some dogmatism, excessive certainty, or even arrogance.

Responsibility is an important character trait, but it causes problems if one is over-

responsible, or where one takes responsibility for things that are beyond his control.

Someone can be very easygoing because of her flexibility, because she is unaware of her

preferences, or she doesn’t feel that she matters, or any combination of these. Helping

can be due to compassion, or due to a need to rescue.

Getting into the habit of examining our motivators and components of our traits leads to

self-awareness, a precious commodity! As we ask whether we are motivated by genuine

desire or a less healthy need, it can also be part of a journey of liberation of ourselves! 

 The word “judgment” can be used in many ways. In this article I am using the word

judgment to refer to an ungrounded and undesirable habit of passing judgment on

someone and looking down on them – seeing them as somehow not okay.

It is much more constructive to separate an undesirable behavior from the person doing

that behavior – seeing the behavior as negative while having compassion for the person.

That approach is not judgment.

Of all the harmful things in the world, one of the worst, I think, is judgment. One of the

reasons it is so harmful is because it is so insidious – judgment can be dressed up as being

something other than the negative practice it really is. Another reason it is so harmful is

that it is everywhere. Wherever there are people, you will find judgment.

Individuals judge others. Individuals judge themselves. Groups judge others. Races

judge each other. Countries judge each other.

And the result is conflict, involving everything from an intrapersonal to interpersonal to

conflict at a global level. It can result in hatred – hatred of one’s self, hatred of other

persons, hatred of groups and types of people who are different in different ways, and

hatred of nations, resulting in acrimony and even bloodshed.

At a psychological level, judgment is a root cause of shame, which can lead to a whole

host of suffering, including depression, anxiety, isolation, substance abuse, behavioral

problems, problems with the law, and suicide.

Judgment is the root cause of all types of discrimination, whether over race, religion,

sexual orientation, and other kids of discrimination.

Judgment is also at the root exclusion, bullying, and inhumane treatment of others.

Judgment is particularly dangerous because those who are doing the judging also often

feel self-righteous.

Judgment is also dangerous because, as outlined above, it is both ubiquitous and

insidious. I have even caught myself being judgmental of people because they were so

judgmental! Or once a person becomes attuned to how much self-judgment they have,

they may fall into the trap of judging themselves for self-judgment.

Feeling judged, whether it is from within or the outside, creates a noxious feeling of

feeling unacceptable. That’s why it can lead to a lot of misery. And when people act out

of that ungrounded state, it definitely does not bring out the best in them. They may react

in some form of anger or violence towards others or themselves, or may withdraw or

isolate.

Judgment is a product of the human ego, which is by nature insecure. Looking down

upon someone else at an unconscious level makes us feel better about ourselves. The ego

is very good at potentially using any difference in order to do this. Because we all have

an ego, and are thus all prone to judgment, we need to be on a constant watch for this

destructive activity.

The Antidote

When we are grounded and know that we are okay, acceptable, and loveable, just as we

are, we no longer need to judge. We can notice things and behaviors that we don’t prefer,

but we can keep those separate from the people involved. Where appropriate, we can feel

compassion for the people rather than judgment. We can enjoy feeling the reality of our

equality with others, not needing to feel the inferiority nor the superiority of the ego.

I believe that the world is full of well-meaning people. Yet what a mess we have made of

things! The reason, in my opinion, is that there is too much ego and thus judgment

operating. If we all only stopped being as concerned with others’ wrongs, and really

focused instead on trying to keep ourselves as free of judgment as possible, the world

could be a much better place.

Common wise aphorisms expressing the same sentiment:

Live and let live.

Vive les differences.

From the Bible: Take the log from your own eye before you worry about the spec in your

brother’s eye

So humbly practice compassion for yourself and for others, and enjoy feeling the truth of

your equality with everyone. Nobody is perfect, including you, and that is okay. 

We can learn a lot of wisdom from nature.  Here are a few examples:

The Green Apple

We don’t look at a green apple on a tree and put pressure on it to ripen.  We just wait, trusting that it will ripen when it is time to.  Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to make a decision when “the decision is not ready to be made” due to various circumstances such as insufficient information  or time or alack of readiness to make it for whatever reason.  Identifying this phenomenon of a decision not being ready to be made, when it is appropriate, and likening it to the ripening apple, can be very helpful in taking undue pressure off ourselves.

The Flowing Creek

Inspired be the creek water that doesn’t try to control where it’s going, or get upset when it comes upon a rock in its way, but easily adapts by just flowing alongside or over the rock, we can strive to “go with the flow”, and be adaptable and flexible, coming up with “Plan B” without a lot of upset and drama, feeling like a victim of life, or believing that we should be able to control life.  Trusting life in this way makes it much easier for us and those around us.

The Rosebud

We don’t judge a rosebud, criticising it for not being a rose in bloom yet. We appreciate it for its beauty, and know that it is not yet finished its journey.  We also accept it for
where it is along its development (as it accepts itself).  So each of us is not yet finished our ongoing journey of growth, yet we are still loveable and acceptable, with our
limitations and our beauty.  Rather than judgement, we deserve acknowledgement of our  inherant preciousness.  Just think of how much strife could be prevented if people just accepted their age, rather than wishing they were older when they’re young, just to start wishing they were younger some years later!

The Fruit Tree

Have you ever picked cherries, or some other type of fruit or berry?  One of th things I really enjoy about picking fruit is the profound sense of abundance I get as I marvel at how the tree is simply laden with fruit. Another image of abundance is a field of wildflowers.  Going through life with a perspective of abundance vs. one of scarcity has a big impact on our experience of life, even though the circumstances may be identical for the two individuals.

The Deciduous Tree

Every fall, the leaves change color, die, and fall off the tree, serving as ongoing enrichment of the soil. The following spring, the tree develops buds then a full complement of green leaves in the summer.  Each year the cycle repeats itself.

There is a natural cycle of life and death that has been going on for ages, and will continue to do so.

The Sunflower and Walrus

The sunflowers turn to face the sun.  Walruses and cats enjoy lying in the sun.  All beings seek pleasure.  We do not need to feel guilty about seeking pleasure, whether it is also lying in the sun, relaxing with a book, or dancing.  We are meant to enjoy life.

Throughout the plant and animal kingdom, there are innumerable examples of ingenious adaptive mechanisms.  Self-care is a natural and vital duty, though one that is often somewhat neglected, or done with guilt.  Also, it is healthy to adapt to changes in our surroundings or circumstances.

The Forest of Trees

No tree is identical to another, and no tree is perfectly symmetrical.  Yet each tree is so beautiful, and together they make a beautiful forest. The trees do not compare themselves with each other, nor are they threatened by differences.  If only we humans could stop comparing and being threatened by innocent differences, recognizing that each of us is
beautiful, and appreciating the richness that comes with our differences!  As the trees each get the sun that they need, we would do well to trust that there is plenty of love to go around.  Unlike man’s competitive ego, the forest doesn’t ask who can take the BEST picture of it, but knows that an infinite number of amazing shots can be taken, and welcomes them all.  We could do with less competitiveness and focus on achievement, and more appreciation of ourselves and others, even if we’re not THE BEST or famous. 

Feelings are a ubiquitous part of the human experience. It serves us well to have some understanding of them, and some ways of managing them.

Because we live in a world where we are sometimes faced with threats to our wellbeing, and where our needs are not always met, we are equipped with some very useful emotions to alert us that something is wrong and to prepare us to deal with the problem. Their purpose is our survival. It is because we care about ourselves and our well-being that we feel these feelings. Let us explore what friends these unpleasant emotions are in their adaptive form.

First, let's look at fear.  Adaptive fear alerts us to the presence of a real threat to our well-being and equips us to protect ourselves with a fight or flight response.  Picture the bunny in the woods who hears the footsteps of a predator coming. His ears perk up, he feels fear and with it, like us, his heart starts pounding, his muscles tense up in readiness to escape, and he flees safely into his hole, having survived the potential threat to his life. Adaptive fear warns us and equips us to protect ourselves, for example to rapidly jump out of the way of an oncoming car or avoid a rock on the ski hill. We wouldn't want to be without it. The fearless baby who doesn't know the danger of the stairs can get badly hurt if she takes a tumble down some. Threats to one's well-being include threats to emotional well-being as well, such as a threat to one's need for a sense of value by being put down, controlled, disrespected, or ignored.

Anger is the "fight" part of the "fight or flight" response to a threat. So you can know that whenever there is anger, there is always underlying fear, whether one is consciously aware of it or not. Anger alerts us to some threat to our wellbeing and equips us to protect ourselves by "fighting" or protesting the threat, thus validating our need and asserting our boundaries. Picture a mother grizzly bear who out of love for her cub and a desire to protect him, angrily fights the wolves who are threatening his safety, thus saving his life. Anger is an energizing emotion, tending to make its owner thrust forward. Again, muscles get activated in readiness to act, the heart is stimulated, and growling or loud vocalizations may be used to threaten the source of threat. Anger makes its owner feel powerful and entitled to protect himself, or entitled to his needs. Anger is a normal emotion in response to threats to well-being' unmet needs/loss. By knowing what we are angry about, it helps us be aware of and validate our needs. For example anger at having been treated with disrespect can alert you that you need to be treated with respect.

Sadness is also a normal emotion in response to loss, including unmet needs. Picture a wounded fox who finds a quiet clearing in the woods to lie down and lick and nurse its wound until it is better. The tendency with sadness is to conserve our energy and turn our attention inwards towards our pain. Sadness allows us to validate the pain of the loss rather than denying or minimizing it. It is out of love and compassion for ourselves. It allows the wound to heal, and helps us to accept the loss and move on with more peace. By knowing what we are grieving (or are angry about), we have a stronger sense of self by knowing what we need, which can help protect us from further similar wounding. For example, sadness or anger re: a lack of kindness and nurturing helps validate the need for kindness and nurturing, and the awareness of this need can help us seek to have it met, by self and others.

The purpose of shame is to protect us from being outcast, and from being less than who we can be. The tendency with it is to hide or look down. In its adaptive form, it is to alert us that we have done something that doesn't fit with who we truly are inside. It is our conscience, alerting us to what behavior we do and don't prefer so that we can take action to make it less likely that the unpreferred will recur. The "judgement" is meant to be applied to the behavior, NOT the person, allowing us to learn from life.

Unfortunately, what so often happens is the person judges themselves and forms a false negative belief about self such as "I am bad", which is often unconscious. This maladaptive shame doesn't teach a person anything useful. Instead the destructive belief jeopardizes corrective behavior, and reinforces itself. Often, shame prevents people from being able to acknowledge having hurt another and apologizing. From a place of self-acceptance, however, it is possible to offer this potentially healing communication to the one hurt, and feel good about it. Very commonly, maladaptive shame results when a person is an innocent victim of mistreatment and in his powerlessness, blames himself for how he is being treated rather than holding the appropriate party accountable. For example, the child who is ignored or put down falsely forms beliefs such as "I am unloveable", "I am worthless", "I am incapable" etc. Later, in his healing journey, he can replace the hopelessness he'd likely felt towards himself with hopelessness about getting his needs met from those who are unable to meet them.

Feelings are signposts along the road of life to alert us that something is or was the matter. They are like the "Check engine" light that comes on in your car. It is not wise to ignore these warnings. Feelings are never right or wrong or good or bad; they just are. You don't say "Should I be thirsty?" You just acknowledge that you are thirsty. It is the same with feelings. It is healthiest to be aware of them, acknowledge and allow them to be there without judgement, and explore them, like the mechanic looking into what is causing the light to come on. This does not mean trusting them and acting on them when they are not trustworthy. For example, when fear from unresolved past experiences is telling you it is unsafe to talk to someone because youwere taught to expect rejection, you can acknowledge its presence but know that it is from the past, that there isn't a present threat, and that the "I am not good enough" that was formed in the past is not true. Knowing now that anger always has underlying fear, when you notice that you are angry, you can explore that further and ask yourself what you are afraid of. Ignoring the "check engine" light does not make it or the problem that is causing it to go away. Ignoring, denying, or repressing emotions does not make them go away either. They will keep alerting you that something needs attention. What we resist persists. A feeling just wants to be acknowledged and allowed. By pushing it away, you are making sure it's going to hang around and stick to you like 'crazy glue'. By allowing it to be experienced, it is being released; you feel it on its way out. Even if you effectively repress feelings so that you have no conscious awareness of them, they will still affect you in dreams, in emotional and often physical symptoms, and can influence your behavior and affect your relationships in ways that you are unable to control. Emotions that we are unaware of control us, and turn us into robots who have no choice but to react in certain ways to various triggers. With awareness, we have control and can choose how we want to act.

Our emotions are linked to threats from the past. For example, when a child has an experience that causes emotions that are too overwhelming to experience, he protects himself by "dissociating" from (not experiencing) his experience. The unexperienced aspects of the experience get split up from each other and stored in the child. These include various aspects of the memory, such as images, smells, and sounds, emotions which are felt as body sensations, limiting (and false) beliefs about self, others, and life, a change in brain chemistry, and a change in the energy system. As long as the past experience remains unresolved, these aspects remain ready to be triggered. That's why a person can feel anxiety without knowing why, as the fear was split off from the memory. And it's why certain stimuli can trigger a response, for example a person feeling anxious every time she hears footsteps because of the time she was assaulted after hearing footsteps approaching. When we deal with a past traumatic experience, we put the puzzle pieces back together, allow ourselves with the resources we now have in the present, to experience what felt too overwhelming to experience previously, thus resolving the event. The upset is taken out of the memory and the memory no longer needs to be prominent. You don't remember what you had for lunch two weeks ago because it didn't have a significant impact on you. The false and limiting beliefs about self are transformed to true and liberating beliefs. Your "buttons" or sensitivities have shrunk, and you're less easily triggered.

The part of us that didn't experience the event fully at the time it happened didn't have the resources to be able to feel the emotions that felt too overwhelming to be survivable, and so formed a belief that they are unsurvivable. A young child all alone with intense feelings doesn't know that there is an observer part that can calmly watch, and doesn't know that the body can complete discharging the activation all by itself and return to a state of calmness. However, the truth is that:

-Emotions cannot destroy us. We can develop tolerance for more and more intense emotions as we can develop increasing strength in a muscle. We can be present with our feelings, observe them, allow them to be experienced, and thus automatically released. We are more than our emotions. As an exercise, you may want to see yourself as a mountain, while your emotions, thoughts, and experiences are like the various seasons and weather conditions that come and go, leaving the mountain intact. Alternatively, think of yourself as sitting on the river bank watching what floats by, or nice and safe in your theatre seat watching all the drama on the screen. Reminding yourself to identify with the part of yourself that is the awareness, which remains calm, nonjudgemental, and unchanged by what you're aware of helps you feel safe to allow an experience.

-Being present with an emotion ie not going anywhere to escape from it or push it away, but allowing it, embracing it, and relaxing into being with it, is considered by some to be a spiritual practice.

-Emotions always shift. Have you ever got stuck in one feeling state and it never shifted? Of course not. It just doesn't work that way. If you allow a negative emotion, you won't get stuck in it. Have you noticed how you haven't been able to hang on to a positive one either, like joy or peace? If you know you've got loads of grief in you, and you shift into peace or anger after allowing a certain amount of grief (which is what generally happens), the rest of the grief will just be experienced later, a layer at a time. Sometimes people are afraid to allow an unpleasant emotion because of the belief that allowing it will reinforce it. This belief is not true. Allowing an emotion does not reinforce it. It releases it. If you have an overfilled suitcase and you empty some of its contents, it does not sneakily fill up with those contents; it is left emptier, lighter, and no longer ready to burst. Whatever is allowed is released and gone for good. When you experience more of that emotion later, it is a new layer of it. Just because you emptied some of the contents of the suitcase that are gone forever doesn't mean that the suitcase is empty.

-At the same time, you don’t want to keep feeding a negative untrustworthy emotion such as guilt, shame, etc with thoughts that reinforce it.  Instead, you want to recognize it as untrustworthy, and ground yourself by either dealing with the topic in a constructive way or putting it aside for late.

-Inability to cope with one’s negative emotions commonly leads to addictions of various kinds in order to escape the experience, even  if the need to escape is not conscious.  Addictions include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, shopping, work, etc.  Lessening the negative emotions through therapy and often medication, as well as people learning to be aware of their feeling and to release the negative ones, often helps people have success combating their addictions.

-Unlike what you may have been taught in your family, by your culture, or by anything else you've been exposed to, feelings are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. People often have feelings and judgements about feelings, such as it is weak to cry or bad to get angry. These are untrue. ----Also, it may have been unsafe or unacceptable for you to express your feelings while you were growing up because of punishment or ridicule or from just living in a home where expression of feelings was not modeled or witnessed, teaching you that it's just not done or acceptable. It is invalidating to tell yourself that you shouldn't feel the way that you are feeling. Likewise, it is invalidating to tell someone else that he shouldn't feel what he is feeling.

-Anger can be allowed and expressed in harmless ways where neither you nor the person you are angry at is hurt. This is done by allowing your uncensored anger in the absence of the one you are angry at in order to protect them and the relationship. For example, you can write a letter that you subsequently burn, talk to an imaginary e.g. mother, or use physical means in harmless ways, such as exercising or punching a pillow. Nobody has been hurt and you feel better because you've released the anger rather than feeling like you're going to explode from the pressure of holding it in, or projecting it onto yourself and making yourself sick, or onto innocent others like your poor kids or the other drivers on the road. Having released the anger, it is easier to calmly communicate to the other party, telling them about your feelings, including the anger. It is allowing the anger and sadness about the wound that makes forgiveness possible.

It is hard to allow feelings if we are not aware of them. We protect ourselves from them by ignoring them or attributing what we feel to something else. For example, we might wonder what it was we ate for lunch or how the weather could be affecting us rather than realize that the nausea is fear, and exploring what it's about. Just because other factors do have a real effect does not mean that the emotion isn't there or real. For example, hormonal effects definitely can bring out more emotions during the premenstrual period. Paying attention to what we're experiencing in our bodies is important because we feel our emotions in our bodies For many people, paying attention to their bodies is foreign and like a relatively new skill that gets better with practice. Not everyone is exactly the same, but here are some common experiences. Often with sadness there is a heaviness or pain in the chest and tear production. With fear there can be tension in muscles, tightness in the chest or upper abdomen, butterflies in the stomach, faster and pounding heart, shortness of breath, urinary frequency, diarrhea, shakiness, and lightheadedness among others. Hopelessness is often accompanied by a drained lack of energy feeling, and so on. Like any other skill, paying more attention to body sensations and becoming more aware of emotions becomes easier with practice.

Not allowing our emotions is a form of violence to ourself. Repressing or denying emotions can result in unwellness which may be noticed in our feelings, bodies, or behavior. An emotion may be allowed to be present and then spontaneously released by either simply being aware of it, or even ignoring it and focusing on the breath, for example, or another distraction. The important thing is that it is allowed to be there, and then it will pass on its own. Remember that being aware of a feeling and allowing it does NOT mean trusting it or making decisions based on it.

If you were in a store with various emotions on the shelves, would you ever freely choose to feel an unpleasant one over a pleasant one? No, of course nobody would. So whenever there's an unpleasant emotion in the past or present, remember that you're not choosing it; that you can't help feeling that way. And so what you deserve is understanding and compassion, not judgement. The understanding and compassion are powerful energies that can make the overall experience much more comfortable when brought to an unpleasant feeling. So much of the distress we experience comes from judging our negative feelings, multiplying the initial distress many times. Every feeling is understandable, and bringing this understanding to every feeling that is present creates comfort. Imagine you live in a beautiful spacious mansion, and you are a very calm, strong, loving, understanding, and compassionate host who can invite in all the feelings that are present at any moment, even if there are many and they are conflicting with each other. There is enough room for each of them, including those that are judging some others.

Our feelings are a very real part of our lives and a powerful force in them. There are pleasant and unpleasant ones, and experiencing the range of them is one way of knowing we are alive. Knowing how to manage our feelings can help reduce our suffering and the harm we cause to ourselves and others. 

Tears are often treated in our culture as something negative.  People often apologize for their tears.  Sometimes people hide their tears, or are embarrassed by them.  And sometimes people are afraid of them, thinking, for example, that if they cry, they might be becoming depressed.  Others, perhaps more so in males and certain cultures, tend to judge tears as a sign of weakness.

Paradoxically, when you think about it, there is nothing strong about being too afraid to feel or show your pain.  It actually takes courage and strength to feel emotional pain, or other intense emotions.  Feeling a range of human emotions is one way of feeling alive.

Tears of despair can be part of depression, or can be a passing experience.  Tears of sadness, grieving the loss of someone or something, are very different than despair.  They are a healthy experience, with no associated false belief.  They are a normal reaction to loss, and loss is a normal part of life for everyone.  This “clean” sadness, and compassion for one’s self or for another, mean that you care a lot.  These are healthy, often healing and beautiful tears.

Another common type of lovely tears are tears of relief.  Relief is a wonderful experience of letting go of fear, worry, and tension.  Relief is a gift to be enjoyed when it comes along.

Tears of joy are also wonderful.  Joy is one of the great experiences of life.

People can be touched or moved to tears by love, whether they’re feeling intense love, or feeling loved.  Is there anything greater than that?  Is there anything wrong with that?

People can also heave tears with hurt, fear, or with anger.

So whether you’re experiencing tears or witnessing them, don’t assume you understand them.  Sometimes our emotional reaction appears before we understand what we are feeling.  So take your time, and be curious, and the understanding will come to you on its own.  Don’t try to figure it out with your thinking, as you might come up with a wrong assumption.

Obviously, there is nothing weak about being human and experiencing the range of human emotions.  Self acceptance with all our emotions is so important and healthy.

It would be a good thing if our culture were more sensitized to tears as part of healthy living.

 Have you ever visited Waterton Lakes National Park (near the Alberta/Montana border)? The wildflowers are just amazing!  They come in so many breath-taking colors, shapes, and sizes.

We, too, like the wildflowers, come in many variations --  different colors and sizes, and also different religions, levels of education, different illnesses, disabilities, and limitations, different degrees of wealth and poverty, varying athletic abilities, and varying artistic talents.  We also vary a great deal in personalities. There are extroverts and introverts, those who like to plan and those who are more spontaneous, those who are known to be more organized and those who tend to be less organized, those who are fearful and those who are not.  The differences are endless – each individual has different attributes, and each has their own unique sets of strengths and weaknesses.  Nobody is perfect.  Yet we each hold our own special beauty.

Unfortunately, unlike the wildflowers, these differences can result in judgement, conflict, and even war.

Each wildflower, on the other hand, has the space to be who it is, and to grow and develop as it needs to.  All the different wildflowers, including the edible and the poisonous ones, co-exist side by side in peace.

All the different wildflowers create such beauty all together. Photographers travel from around the world to catch the wildflowers in Waterton National Park at their peak. If we could only be more like the wildflowers!  So what if we have differences?  Like them, let us strive to live and let live, accepting ourselves and each other with all our differences.  Nobody needs to be right or wrong – just different.  Maybe we can even celebrate our differences.  The field of wildflowers is all the more striking because of the sharp contrast in colors, shapes, and sizes, which adds richness and variety.  Differences can be challenging, but they can also complement one another, for example one partner’s sense of responsibility together with their partner’s funloving nature.

In its own unique way, despite being asymmetrical or lopsided, each flower is beautiful.  The same is true of each human being, despite our limitations.  Each individual is important and deserving.  Each person should have the freedom to be who they are, and to become what they can be without prejudice, discrimination, danger, or judgement.

Your challenge is to catch yourself judging yourself and others, and to turn that judgement into acceptance and, if appropriate, compassion.  You can use the wildflowers as an inspiring example. 

In life, bad things can happen. We all know it –that’s just the way life is. Completely beyond our control, every day, bad things, from little annoyances through to blockbuster nasty things, well, they just keep happening.

I have learned over the years to say, “Oh well!” sooner rather than later, thus accepting what I cannot change and acknowledging the reality of what it is. Saying “Oh well!”, right out loud, has an astonishing effect – it makes me instantly calm and brings peace of mind. It allows me to move forward with what I need to do next in my day, and how to make the best of the situation.

I have noticed that I continue to dislike what happened. But by saying “Oh well!” I am acknowledging I am no longer fighting with reality – in my heart, I know that reality will always win.

Acceptance shifts the focus from a futile dispute with reality, from lamely wishing things were different. It shifts the emphasis from frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness and anxiety, to moving forward with calm clarity. It helps me to wonder about the present, and the future, with detached awareness. 

The converse is also true: lack of acceptance robs me of that clarity, and takes away my ability to respond to these micro (or even major) pinches as well as I otherwise could.

The peace that we can all get when we accept reality, with its lumps and bumps, is priceless – and honestly, feels a whole lot better than being in a losing battle to dispute the plain truth of a situation.

Here’s a certainty to reflect on: when we are not accepting reality, there is almost always a “stuck” feeling. When we accept reality, we are suddenly unstuck and are better able to move on.

Further, even though it is understandable to be angry when there is, for example, injustice, you don’t have to be angry about reality in order to fight what is wrong. From a place of calmness and clarity of mind, you will be more effective to bring about change.

To dig a bit deeper: it is easier to accept reality when we have less skin in that game – when we trust that our self-worth is not at stake. Face it: bad things happen to every human, at any time. When you are tempted to feel like a victim, unlucky, cursed, or that it’s your fault, well, it’s not true. You’re just like the rest of us.

In life, for all of us, you win some and you lose some, and sometimes you’re right, and sometimes you’re wrong. And none of that has any effect whatsoever on your self-worth. Self-worth is inherent.

Finally, it helps to trust there is a way of dealing with every situation, even if that solution is mostly about acceptance itself. The more we trust life and trust ourselves, the easier it is to accept reality. 

Amazing, isn’t it? – what two small but mighty words can do.